Something has been plaguing me recently regarding identity and persona. Even typing that sentence I realise how totally screwed up my thinking is on the subject so I'm afraid you will need to bare with me, I am ad libbing here, as I haven't even hit the nail on the head as to what I've been thinking of.
Identity and persona are two different coins each with two sides, internal and external. Well, its obviously more complicated that that but for now I really need things to be a bit more simplified so I'll stick with them. For the past few weeks or so I have been terribly confused about my feeling towards some of the guys in my group at Uni, instantly I know what your thinking and to be honest this is where the confusion started but I will go into detail on that.
At first I was thinking that they were really cool, and I wanted to get to know them better as friends. I do realise that I have relatively few straight male friends that I am close to, I have always been afflicted with a boyish awkwardness around straight men, and I really am stereotyping here because I know a ton of straight men who are so varied and different that it is unfair of me to just give them a singular label, but this is one of my issues so, there you go. These guys are good guys, they do all the things good guys do such as laugh at what is funny, are polite and respectful with the capability to be not grown up (which is a speciality of mine) and generally make the right choices in what to take seriously and what not to take seriously. These are very good qualities for a friendship, and there is less of the two faced, bitchey or backstabbyness that some of my female friends exhibit from time to time (everyone has their flaws right? gender be damned.)
Maybe its because I do find some of them cute, I have an inbuilt weariness when it comes to good looking people as there is usually a connection between good looks and vanity, but I don't see anything beyond cheeky bravado which I kind of admire. This got me thinking that I could have fallen for one of them, which as other gay men would know is a very horrible thing to think. Imagine spending enough time with someone whom you think attractive, to get to know them and to get to know who they are inside as well as out and find yourself falling for them. The scenario is a perfect love story budding and desperate to bloom, except there is one immovable, irrevocable barrier which stops this happiness, and that is that in no way can any relationship ever develop because of the boundaries of intimacies and sex. This, to me, is a soul destroying thought and wracked me throughout college. The idea that I might accidentally find myself in love with a straight man, it was the only thing at the back of my head which made me think 'god I hate being gay.' Since college, I learned to keep my distance from straight men, I built a persona of exclusion from that portion of the populous to protect myself from any feelings which may occur whilst on duty.
I think I have it now, that actually makes things a lot clearer. Just writing this blog has given me a window into how I ended up in this position, and it makes so much sense! A defense mechanism, we all use them be for large or small reasons, to hide issues or to hide from issues. I became the girls best friend to avoid the possibility of becoming a guys best friend, and in doing so I feel so uncomfortable with how I act with men that I couldn't even tell whether I was falling in love with them or simply wanted to be their friends.
Yesterday, during a conversation with a friend of mine from my course (a girl) I realised that was I felt for the guys in my class (one in particular) wasn't infatuation or lust, which I was avoiding thinking about but niggled away at the back of my mind. I admire them, I actually admire how normal they are around each other, I mean sure they will have their ticks and insecurities just like mine, and will be in the process of working those out. But they are comfortable being who they are, and being the same way amongst themselves without differentiating between the genders. Maybe its because they are performance students that they find this easier to come across, or perhaps I'm being nieve in thinking that this is something new. In fact,I know it isn't.
This has happened before, in the group in last semester (they change groups amongst our year group every semester) there was the guys club, and it was not exclusive. It might shock you to fight that Media and Performance has a higher ratio of gays than your average course, but even the other gay men in my group got on well with the lads. It was just me who seemed to be in the mote, just outside the castle of collective friendship. The girls I got on with fine, but conversations with the other guys were startlingly brief.
The question now is, my persona, my identity to the while still completely external has been set in stone. Sure, I'm funny, I make people laugh. I'm friendly and polite, and helpful which is very nice of me thank you, sure no problem. I think I have grown old before my time, while I cam completely capable of playing and being childish I seem to have a mist of stature about me which might be clouding my vision, or other peoples perception of me. It is my outlook that must change, no wait thats silly I have a perfectly cheery and friendly outlook, sprinkled lightly with a dollop of wit. What could it be... nothing comes to mind...
Hmm, I'm sitting here, in front of my laptop, having decided that it is I who must make a change for my persona to change and therefore the perception of myself change in others. I want to remain everything I always have been, but now add 'accepting male friends, please inquire inside' to that list. Actually come to think of it, the guys I am referring to have had conversations with me, not very long, lasting conversations but conversation none the less. I've made them laugh, we've made each other laugh, and find common interests to talk about. Am I being a nob head? is expecting more than that, expecting too much?
Bam! There it is, I think I've hit the nail on the head. Friendships develop when both parties invest equally, I admire these guys for their non-camp bloke-ish-ness, for their ability to be cheeky and boyish while remaining firmly in the category of straight without drag-queeneqsue bitchery and slag-offery. Maybe now I have identified what I admire, I can learn from them. Maybe in doing so, I will seem more approachable and desirable as a friend which I hope happens, but am willing to allow things to progress naturally. I'm an actor, I'm a comic, I know how to mimic and act and mime and do all the things it takes to give me the mannerisms and thought processes of someone displaying a tick, maybe this will be my next project.
Well, thank you blog, we've done some good work today. Now lets his the showers!
