Pride 2010, and the big 100.

As the title suggests, this is my one hundredth post and I couldn't think of a better way to celebrate than to enlighen you as to how pride went.


I told you I was going to march without a shirt on. I warned you, but you just wouldn't listen. Look what happened, you see that? Thats me at Manchester Pride 2010, shirtless. I'm not sure how I feel about the above pictures but I can honestly say I had fun on the day. The fun was in the carelessness! I just was not bothered what people thought of me. I can say that now, I would never have been able to say that a few years back, hell even this time last year I would have been bashful and quite traumatised by the idea.

I did the lifestyle expo for this years freebies, and some possible connections for OMG. I did the markets and got myself a few lovely things and some gifts for friends...

Pictured: Freebies and lovely things.

...all in all I would call it a success, sort of. Ok so maybe the hire company didn't supply our generator with a power converter, meaning we didn't have any music. Which meant that we also couldn't perform the dance routine we have been working on for over two weeks, which my mother and I practiced extra for. Actually that did take the shine off the parade, well that and other things. Its always worth telling myself that things could have been much worse all around, and so I am at least glad that we attended the event.

Last year there was a number of grievances involving the administration of the group and it almost looked like it wasn't going to happen. I made the decision to turn things around about a month before the parade with the help of Janet Henry, the youth worker for B.yoU (I say I managed, it was actually a case of me rallying the troops, but damn did I rally them!)

With the clock now counting away the days hours and seconds before my return to University for the second year, I drift aimlessly from unfinished task to unfinished task. I keep thinking of all the things I can do and sort out before I ship out again. I am organising my wardrobes, cleaning my room, sorting my files into neat little sections so that all the information I would need throughout the year is easily accessible...  and of course I am getting ready to say goodbye again. Its a little easier this yea because I have already done it once and it didn't affeck me too much considering I had quite a few weeks off and extended holidays (my timetable that is, not truancy.) For some reason, Uni life is actually mostly free time, and that includes 'self directed study', you'd think I'd get more work done!

So, although I disagree with making plans and setting goals, there are a few things I'd like to try this year:

• Join the dance society, and improve on my street, ballet, and general dance ability.
• Keep up the cheer leading, as well as improve my flexibility and general gymnastics (which includes things like tumbles!)
• Hit the gym, get rid of the love handles and replace the flab with some solid mass.
• Try harder to mingle with people and get into more social circles, possibly pushing for a romantic interest, and...
• Set myself up as a company, limited by guarantee, then get some work as an artist.

As I said before about the photos, the reason I think that I am not so sure about them is that in retrospect I don't at the moment think that my body is any more attractive than it used to be. Its a healthier shape, and besides the health benefits its closer to the type of man I go for (on reflection.) I suppose with the love handles and noticable rib cage, I am still a bit of an odd shape. My body is probably still adjusting to the big changes I've made in the last year or so, lets see what the coming year brings...

Roll on Uni, roll on Christmas, roll on New Years, roll on Winter and then Spring, and then sunny Summer. Roll on the heartaches and the bliss, the trials and successes.

After all that, roll on Pride 2011!

A quick note to say...

Happy birthday to me...  in one hour. I will be twenty three, the dreaded Twenty Three!

I just want to scream!

I am so frustrated, I want to yell at the top of my voice!

I am not one to be dramatic most of the time but I am feeling such a stress of doing nothing. People often assume that a holiday whether forced or not is a good thing, perhaps not for financial reasons but certainly as respite for the mind, but this one has gone on long enough. I am chewing my laptop here, I am so restless!

I do a lot of volunteering of course, and I have everything I do online including a few projects I am considering. There is pride this weekend and my Art which is on going as always and yet in moments like this I just feel so pent up that I am ready to throw a chair. On my way upstairs I was overcome with a wave of loneliness, where the hell did that come from!? While I was brushing my teeth I had a sudden feeling of foreboding by my often reoccurring fear of death, in the reminder that it is the once certainty in life. My brain is so starved of distractions that it is actually punishing me. My brain is saying "If you don't give me something to do, some different walls to stare at, some escape from this living prison, I will force you to consider all your insecurities and fears." I have even started to think terrible things of people I care about. I'm getting to be paranoid about the two faced nature of some of my friends. I know this exists, it is one of their flaws, hell I would be lieing if I said I haven't acted more friendly to someone than I actually am (and I am a very good actor) but for some reason I am making demons where I shouldn't.

I never thought I would say this but I may just be a career type. Without University to guide and schedule my time I feel lost and restless. I feel trapped by circumstance and caged by an empty routine. At least when I went to the gym (of which my membership expired last week) I was working towards a clear goal. Now its as if my time at home is completely thankless.

Then I think, how am I going to go on after Uni?

My decision

I'm not sure whether I blogged about this, and I'm not entirely certain who I have spoken to about it so I'll go through the story before telling you about the decision I have come to. I would like (if I may,) to take you on a strange journey...   back a few years. I had decided half way through my psychology access to follow my bliss, which was pointing me in the direction of the stage.

The way that funding works at the moment in this country for those seeking higher education is thus; If you get accepted onto a course as an undergraduate (a person who has not already gained a degree) student finance will offer you a student loan for your tuition fees, this can be done for four years (remember that, its important.) When I started my HND at Salford Uni, it was under the pretense of a 'taster year', a year in which I can compare Media & Performance with Psychology in terns of how it keeps my interest, how it challenges me, what job prospects I can expect at the end of it and so on. After the first year I was to make a decision to either continue onto the second year, and then onto a degree which would take four years in total, or start a Psychology degree which, again would be four years.

During my first year at Uni I have to say that I was disappointed with the way the course was administered, and the do nothing attitude of the other students. It degrades my image by being associated with people who take the course as a bird course. Having said that, the lessons were interesting, I was challenged, and I find myself learning a lot and making a load of neat connections in the world of Theatre, Radio, TV etc, and am trying to, or rather was trying to weigh the subject with the school in my decision. The decision, if you haven't already guessed, was to carry on doing Performance, or go back to Psychology.

Also, after working on a number of project over the summer including B.yoU's pride entry and the new OMG website I have realised that working as an artist and graphic designer isn't as time consuming or strenuous as I first though, and it just needs a little fore planning and wisdom (wisdom I now see that I lacked a couple of years ago.) So an Art degree was looking increasingly tempting as well, which just added to the confusion.

So now for my decision...

After talking to a number of people on the issue, I have decided to gain my degree in performance. The degree is like a badge, no matter what the subject it is still something which you carry with you for life. It is a stepping stone and a backup plan all rolled into one and actually, I do like the subject. Its creative, and its what I need, its what I want. Art, as I have already demonstrated, is something you do not need a degree in to do professionally (or in my case, unprofessionally which is the way I work.) Actually, realistically, the only thing you need is passion, and to have the power to instill your passion into other. My performance helps me do this, it builds on what I believe (after being told countless times) is natural presence. That essence of a person which shouts 'I am someone you would do well to listen to' without you having to do anything. Its all in tone, posture, manner, and its actually a blessing to have.

No more crossroads for me. My decision is made and I am comfortable it is the right one. Now all I will need to do is knuckle down, as I plan to finish Uni with a first.

So, get this, right....

I weigh just over twelve stone!

I know, its weird. Its like I've been here all summer surrounded by numerous foods, not to mention having money in the bank to buy numerous foods and here I am, just over twelve stone. I mentioned before that I joined a gym, well I have been hitting it a little harder than I originally planned, though to be fair I took a street dance class last Wednesday which was amazing but also left me amazingly achy, then the day after I went to the gym again. Needless to say, I haven't been all weekend I'm gonna go today.

I find it really focusing, and energising to do a good workout. Not to mention I get the chance to do some swimming which I love, and I have been doing my intensive stretches so my heal stretches are quite impressive now.

I'm not a gym bunny though. Or at least I hope I'm not...  I must admit to not being entirely sure what classifies as a gym bunny these days. there are some days when I will go to the gym everyday, then others when its once every two or three days. I'm going to get rid of some of my loose skin which I think might cause me hastle if I don't sort out. I do want to look a little more toned as well, is that a gym bunny thing? Some people there are embarassingly big. The sort of people you think must consider themselves gods gift, when actually people are staring at them thinking 'What the fuck?" instead of admiration or jealousy.

Gaining upper body strength will have its advantages in my dancing and cheer leading as well. In fact the more I think about it, the more my university lifestyle compliments my healthy regime. I think its just strange bringing that lifestyle back home, which is why I am so shocked that I managed to keep my weight down over the summer. Maybe it wasn't the move to university which spurred my weight loss, maybe greater of myself has changed.

I certainly feel different.