I've been thinking an awful lot about friendship lately. I have recently been through a "bad patch" in regards to my social life because of things that have been going on amongst my year group at University.
I will not go into the details here as this is not the place. I would love to, don't get me wrong, but I have purposefully made this blog my diary, and as it is online I understand that the public are free to view it. Frankly, there are some people whom I do not want to speak openly to...
Sorry, just thinking about all thats gone on makes me bitter about the subject; one of the reasons I will avoid talking about it. Needless to say, it got to me, the reason it got to me is because of my idea of friendship.
To me, friendship is one of the most valuable things in the world. I rely so much on my friends as I am sure most people do (though equally sure others do not do so as much as I.) I will openly admit to any of my friends: I need you more than you need me. I do not have, nor have never had someone in my life whom I have been involved with intimately. This is by design and intention of course, I made the decision to wait for love and so far, love has not arrived. The wait, however, is a heavy toll to bear. I feel alone and isolated a lot, particularly when I am at University as I am not only without someone I love intimately but also without the people I love platonicly: my family. All of this adds up I suppose, and so when I am away from home I am constantly relying on my friends for companionship. Hardly even companionship sometimes, just human contact. I am somewhat socially awkward, this has come about in recent years and I have no idea where it comes from (or at least HAD no idea, until recently) so not only is it difficult being away and without people I love, it is also difficult to make new friends to fill the empty spots.
I understand that this is a strain on my friends, but my friends are my friends because they are the ones willing to take that strain. My friends are there for me when I need them, they care about my wellbeing and will do the best by me. I trust my friends, and can only hope that that trust is repaid in kind.
However, I am also crazy as fuck.
Not the sort of "Oh damn boy, you so crazy!" but the actual crazy. Scary, paranoid, anxious, embarrassing crazy the likes of which you do not see in non-crazy folk. Again, most of this is something which has developed or manifest with strength in recent years, it is there and I am afraid its part of the Sye package.
I might get it into my head that your attracted to me, and will therefor avoid contact with you as to not hurt your feeling of rejection (this could be due to a fleeting glance made at some point.) It might enter my brain that your talking about me behind my back, conspiring against me or undermining me (because you know, I haven't seen you in a week, a totally natural assumption.) It could be that something bad happened to me, and your the first person I was able to talk to about it and therefore think I am the wreck of the world. It could be that your in town with me, and I get the most horribly paranoid feeling that everyone is staring at me, and I need to enter this shop RIGHT NOW, then I'll be fine. It might be that you didn't reply to my last three texts, and have ceased all contact with you as punishment (because thats perfectly normal, right?)
This is the Bat-shit level of crazy I can get up to. I am not perfect, but then, neither are you damnit! Situations can bring about my ugly heads which I myself despise. It's something I am constantly vigilant against and conscious of, but ultimately I just can't help it. I'm of a paranoid, nervous, temperamental disposition.
My friends, they understand that.
They understand me.
They understand why sometimes I am quiet, and sometimes I don't shut up. That I will talk inanely about some interesting piece of trivia without thinking that I am patronising them. That they trust that 'ish' next to a time of meeting means 'give or take five minutes.' That sometimes I have trouble speaking my emotions and getting my ideas out (I get lost in words, its what happens when you know too many without knowing their correct order.) They understand why sometimes I correct my own grammar, and cannot move on until I understand which is the correct way to say what, but only sometimes! My friends, true friends, do not hold these things against me.
In turn, I do the same. I make myself available to them. Alright, so maybe I am not good company on a night 'clubbing' and maybe you can't take me to a football match. But if you need someone to talk to, an understanding ear or an unbiased view point. A lateral thinker, a fresh pair of eyes or a comfortable shoulder, that is what I am here for. That is friendship, and those whom I consider friends can call upon that any time they like.
I have the ability to make anyone feel good about themselves. I can show you any fucking silver lining, and make sure I leave you a brighter person than I found you. I will give you your space when you need space. I will surround you with companionship and make you laugh to boot. That is my offer, my gift, the commodity of friendship I have to trade with you.
I never burn my bridges.
I'll be posting soon on my Red Nose Day 2011 adventures. I just needed to get this matter off my chest first. I have put it to bed now, I can move on.
Good night.
