Why I do not publish.

Some have mentioned to me that my blog is very interesting. while my rebuker may be that the blog's feature is me and therefore inherently uninteresting, I can recognise a compliment when I see one and am generous in my acceptance of it.

Someone might then go on to suggest that my blog is so interesting that I should consider advertising it to gain a larger reader-base. I have been known on occasion to pop the odd post onto facebook which might make something more convenient for me for example, instead of telling everyone how my first gig went, I simply post the link to the entry on my facebook. Or perhaps there is an issue I wish to confront and would have those who know me best enlightened to the subject in question (such as my post on cheerleading.)

The latter example probably received the most hits out of all the entries on my blog, in fact, I'll do a quick check on my stats thing...   ..yes, it did, 95 views and counting. If I were to put my finger on why, it would be that the subject matter was controversial, that there are many people on my facebook who wouldn't think there would be an issue with cheerleading and so might be overcome with curiosity, it could also be that because the issue is hotly debated in the cheerleading community it might have hit a certain amount of keyword filters for search engines.

All this is pretty much besides the point. Fact is, while I am pleased that people are reading the blog and getting to know a little more about who I am and what I am up to, I have dedicated myself to the idea that the blog is a journal. When I started it a number of years ago it was to replace my paper journals which had been going on since I was sixteen years old. While I may censor the more intimate and personal information from the blog, I have kept almost entirely true to it's original concept and this has in the past been to my detriment. I can recall one occasion when someone I know used the information I'd posted in one entry (the information regarding why I don't drink alcohol, and using a convenient excuse) against me. I was defenceless and I felt genuinely hurt, mainly because every person who reads the blog are privy to my innermost thoughts or unspoken secrets, and there is a level of trust that I assume on people when they read what I have to say. 

This honesty has recently proven to be the detriment in my real life relationships as well. I have lost friends due to my inability to keep my mouth shut when I have an issue. I've grown up with the mantra that children keep issues inside and bottle them up, and this causes problems further down the line when adults do it. This honesty and eagerness to settle any issue I might have has led to friction between me and people I care about, but it is still something I believe to be a decent way to settle any dispute or worry and continue to stand by my principles. If there is one thing I have come to hate since starting university, it's two-faced characteristics. Sometimes it's harmless, and there are times when I will indulge if I feel it would make the situation better, but I would never be so dishonest to someone whom I have a problem with. If I do not like you, and have a valid reason not to like you, then I will be civil when I have to but otherwise I will not mince my words. I won't smile and nod, and pretend everything is fine, I am not that kind of person. Don't get me wrong, I can, when it comes to being false I am a very good liar, but there is a difference between having the ability to act like everything is fine, and using it.

I am of course speaking of friendships, or of people I need to work with often. Passers by I am able to smile and nod to as you do, but this is not dishonest, it's just tactical socialising (remember, an argument with an idiot is a pointless argument, sometimes it is smarter to plaster on a false smile)...

I apologise, I rambled for a moment there. The point is, I am honest and open, and being honest and open means that I might say things that could offend others, so instead of publishing every post I make, I choose which to publish on Facebook for a specific reason. Getting hits isn't important to me, I don't care how many people read the blog or what they like in particular, the blog is for me, not my audience. I am a performer, if I want an audience, I get one: simple.

Maybe I am more aware of how vulnerable the blog makes me than I care to mention. Maybe I should eat my words, put my money where my mouth is and publish. Surely my friends, if they truly are my friends, will understand me anyway. Or maybe I am wrong, maybe I'm not as honest as I think I am. 

There are people in my life right now who do not appreciate what they have, and how lucky they are. Some I have mentioned this fact, others I haven't. Instead of telling people to look at their life from a few metres away, I should be asking them to do it themselves. So you have found yourself here, at the end of this blog entry after getting here from the very beginning (a very good place to start) after getting there from wherever you found yourself previously. I will ask you this.

Take a look at your life, I promise you things could be much worse. Appreciate what you have, don't be so hard on yourself.

And be honest.

Look who's on theBERRY...

I submit a montage of myself for the ladies and berry boys over at theBERRY (the sister site of theCHIVE) about two weeks ago for a bit of fun (I figured I was doing BUBS anyway, so might as well.)

theBERRY posts pictures of good looking, fit guys which, to be honest left me thinking I wouldn't make the cut, but there I am on "HOT men of theBERRY". Gotta say even though I'm a little embarrassed that the whole world is looking at my body, I'm a little more than elated!

Go check me out, I'm picture number 22.

BUBS: 1st June.

Quick update to BUBS on the fly as I have to out to dunner in twenty minutes! I was about to get changed to go out when it hit me that I hadn't updated in a while (and having gone to the gym this afternoon, I figured now was the perfect time!)

I admit that its hard to notice a change due to the difference in camera angles each time, but the change is so gradual that I don't think it matter much anyway really.

I think I definitely need more protein in my diet, I am doing a muscle workout at least once a week (I have hardly had time for anything beyond that which will hopefully change come summer) and I certainly feel a little stronger, but the wait is killing me!

And here I thought I was a patient person, oh well. Next time!

BUBS: 13th May.

Quick update on my progress with Build Upper Body Strength...

The going is slow, I've managed to get to the gym once a week since my original post of BUBS as I've been so busy with other things. I did a lot of cardio on Monday and Tuesday; walking to and from the Lowry when I was working on The As Yet Impossible, not to mention spending all day on my feet when there. However, I have eaten fast food a few times this week which is unfortunate but I assure you, much needed/deserved.

Speaking of diet, I've managed to inject a bit more protein into mine. I'm trying to eat at least one or two eggs a day, usually scrambled as its the easiest way to condense two eggs into one meal. Typically if it isn't a scrambled egg sandwich, fish finger sandwich or either of the two with cheese, its Eggy Bread & cheese with Fish Fingers and Baked Beans. Other meals such as breakfast is usually cereal and a coffee, lunch when I am in halls (which I think I have been this week) has been Tuscan Bean or Tomato soup.

I'm a little let down with the fast food, I think if I hadn't have had McDonalds three times this week I probably would have done better sooner, but like I mentioned in my last post I am under no delusion that this is a short term project.

I'll probably leave it another two weeks or so before posting the next post on BUBS, as I have quite a few essays and assessments to worry about, but I shall continue to eat right and might strive to get to the gym at least twice in one week!

Please note, the pictures are taken on my phone as you can see; the angles and lighting will change as well as...  well, I've just got out of the shower and am ready for bed, of course I am in my pjamas. Love it or leave it people!

A follow up

This is a follow up post, or rather a continuation of my earlier micro-essay on Cheerleading (Cheerleading, the case for.) It is a videeo covering the issues regarding the classification of high school Cheerleading in the USA (split in two parts.)

Please take the time to watch them even if Cheerleading isn't something you are interested in, it will change your opinion of us!

Time to get it sorted: Build Upper Body Strength

Last year I was tickled pink. I wouldn't admit it then as I was trying to be casual and aloof about it, but I really was pleased about the state of my body. I spoke about it a few times last year. My weight has levelled off now, as I mentioned a month or so ago, and I am feeling a little dissatisfied again.

In my last post, I mentioned that I needed to build upper-body strength. While I may currently reside in a slimmer frame, it is not one which is capable of meeting all of my needs. I feel healthier, I can wear more layers which is a look I like going for once in a while, and I can generally go for longer in endeavours such as sport or physical theatre. I can also hold my breath for longer, like the sunshine a little more, get less heartburn than I used too, less back pain. Honestly the benefits of being my ideal weight outweigh the things I miss, such as playing with my belly when I got bored (which I sometimes still try to do) or having to wear less layers in the winter months and so on. My body is functional in that respect, but I need to work hard to make it more-so.

That is where my new Build Upper Body Strength plan comes in. Every week, or every fortnight depending on time restrictions I plan on updating the blog with my progress on building upper body strength which I will need for my Cheerleading, Gymnastics and to enhance my body confidence. I wasn't going to mention it, even though I have lost the puppy fat I am still not 100% about how my body looks. This is me doing something about that!..

The above is me, as of today. That is, as of about half an hour ago from writing this post. As you can see from the above images, my frame has taken a beating. You can see the stretch marks around my tummy and you might see them around my arms. I don't mind the stretch marks so much, but I find them a good reminder to myself not to over-indulge. Another thing you may notice is the love handles. Alas, these are the hardest things for men and women to get rid of when trying to improve their image through diet and excercise. A few people I know are quite to state when they though I looked ill when I'd finished losing weight. As ill as I ever looked, I'd never lost those bad boys.

My goals for Build Upper Body Strength are:

1. Increase the muscle mass on my chest, shoulders, back and arms.
   As you might see, there is the tiniest hint of definition in these muscles already. This is due to the lifting and pushing I do already in Cheer and gymnastic tumbling. If I am to be able to support my own body weight on my arms, and complete a chain of back-handsprings, I will need these muscles to be as lean as possible, at least lean enough to match my legs.
2. Get rid of my love handles
   These fuckers are gone. Seriously, their days are numbered. I don't know how to do it, I mean it's fat and fat is all the same, but I can't shift that shit for some reason. They will go though, mark my words!
3. Get an arse.
   Ok, so maybe this one is for vanity's sake. One of the areas I am uncomfortable with at the moment is the bottom of my bottom, the back of my front, the vertical smile. My skin stretched everywhere I used to carry weight. You can see this on my tummy, on my upper arms, and to an extent on my chest. You can't see it on my bum, but trust me when I tell you it's there, and it isn't pretty.  I am aiming for as much of a straight line as my hips will allow from the end of my ribcage to the start of my thighs. Somewhere in there I'd like to have a nice arse, so lets see what happens!

Let's keep it at that for now. Sometime soon, after I git the gym, rearrange my diet and work out some of the specifics of my new project, you will see pictures of my progress. I'm not foolish enough to believe that this will happen in a matter of weeks. My goal is pride, that is, the bank holiday weekend of August (just after my birthday.)

I have a holiday to Czech Republic in the first half of August which I am sure you will hear about. It's a sports/cheer holiday so it's not as if I won't be getting exercise then, but hopefully at that point I'll have accomplished most of my goals.

Wish me luck!

Things that I have been working on during my break from Uni

I'm not one to be idle.

I figured this out during my first year of study at Salford Uni, it's something which started right after finishing my access course at Bolton Uni. Don't get me wrong, there will come times when I really, desperately need a break (as happened recently) but otherwise I find that I get impatient or fidgety if I have nothing to occupy my time with. Since leaving my access course and studying at university I have become something of a workaholic, I'll try and take you through it...

I consider university to be my full-time job. I focus on my studies actively and they take up a large amount of my time. Other things which I prioritise are my cheerleading, gymnastics and gym work/fitness. These activities take about 90% of my total time spent at Salford, the rest is shopping, social time and 'misc'. I do this to ensure I am getting the most out of my time spent on my degree in Salford, and let me tell you, it works. This year I have passed every module on my course with a Distinction. I hit a rough patch in February which may take the mark of one of my modules down to a merit, but I still hold high hopes that I will finish the year with nothing below a first. My lifestyle plays an important part in this of course. I do not drink or smoke, I do not take drugs. I don't enjoy clubbing, or nights out, or concerts (well, I've never been to a concert, but I'd imagine I'll be sat at the back asking everyone in front of me to kindly sit down so that I can see.) Maybe I'm lucky in this respect, I have my own ways of having fun, I dare say the way I choose to occupy my time currently is satisfying enough and I have a wonderful circle of friends.

However, about a week after starting my short break, I began to feel the itch. I need something to do, I cannot be idle, I start going a bit cabin-feverish. Luckily, I have quite a few interests I can pull out of the bag for such occasions.

I started playing with Photoshop again, reading up on the latest trends, styles and tutorials which I must say are as good as any book or magazine on the subject (I recently bough a magazine on the subject, and found startlingly similar tutorials in it as exist on the web.)

I may consider writing my own beginners tutorials, explaining some of the more simple tricks which I do not see explained very often such as feathering and layer masks which can me indispensable for graphic design and photo-manipulation.

This also led in time to my return to web-design. As mentioned in my previous post, I have spent a lot of time in the past week tweaking and poking and jiggling and playing with CSS and Wordpress (WP) themes. Given the popularity of WP as a blogging tool I have been keen to explore its functionality to the private blogger for some time. My good frient Antony's blog, along with many other sites I frequent such as theCHIVE use the WP engine which seemed to be highly customisable as well as functional and easily accessible. I could never use CSS and never turly unerstood how useful it is until I started reading around the subject area just before my holidays started. I set myself a task: to create a custom theme of my own design for syeonline by the end of the holiday, and as the previous post displays, I managed to do just that. I will continue to make themes as I can already see how I could improve the current one, or how I can make designs based on a different concept (I want to make one based on a painty, arts-and-crafty style motif next) and I didn't know there existed such things as child-themes and so on. I'll probably end up working on it over the summer.

Gaming wise its been pretty cool. Not only has there been some interesting patches made to World of Warcraft in recent months which I have been exploring, there has also been the release of Portal 2 which I completed in the first day, and is well worth what I payed for over on gameplay.co.uk. If you played Portal, or are maybe a fan of puzzle games, FPS's or just looking for a really good game to sink your teeth into, get Portal 2 (though I will advise you if you have not already played Portal, play that first!) Both can be bought and downloaded through Steam. I also managed to try Final Fantasy XIV and unfortunately it did not live up to my expectations. I tried it for the first two or three days, and was not at all enthusiastic about playing it. I may try it again soon as I have heard there has been another patch released, but I will not be paying for a subscription for it in its current form. I have to say, considering how much I loved FFXI, I am very disappointed in Square-Enix.

Finally, my other guilty pleasure this holiday has been my gymnastics. I have been working every day, or every other day, on nailing some of the tumbles which have eluded me for some time. I am now a lot more confident at my back walkovers now and even attempting front walkovers. Also I am a lot less disoriented when chaining tumbles together (for example, Roll > Handstand Roll > Cartwheel and so on.) and am able to hold myself for much longer in a handstand.

The problem with most of my gymnastics isn't my flexibility. Although I do need to be more flexible to accomplish some of the tumbles I am attempting, I am actually more flexible than the average guy. One of the issues I have is the distribution of weight over my whole body. My main exercise is waking. I walk everywhere and as such, I have very strong legs. Both my thighs and calves carry a lot of weight, so much that the muscle on my upper body isn't strong enough to support it. Therefore I require more balance to hold a handstand, and more power to kick my legs over in a back walkover. The only way I can change this is by gaining more upper body strength, which of course will happen in time with regular gym and cheer workouts. For me, it isn't happening fast enough, this may be due to my vegetarian diet (being naturally low in high quality proteins.) I've been considering protein shakes, but I do not yet know how I feel about supplements. More on that story as it develops...

I have been working on my flexibility as well mind. It's painful work, but if it gets me my tumbles easier, I am willing to do it...

The whole year through: 2010

Happy new year everyone.

Every year I like to make one post which tries to bring everything together and evaluate the year. This was the year of 2010. I think the biggest thing to mention this year is that I bit the bullet and did something I as meaning to do and looking forward to trying since deciding to enter the field of performance.

Stand up.

After a bit of a shaky start I found that there is nothing that I have experienced (so far) which quite equates to the joy of making someone laugh, and having the opportunity to do that on stage in front of a willing audience is the highlight of my year. I had a wonderful time on the comedy circuit as an Open Spot, and learned things that have pushed me much further as a performer than I would have from Uni alone.

Alas, as much as I love performing stand-up and making people laugh, the downsides of the comedy circuit tar the otherwise wonderful experience. Bitchy comics, horrible promoters, the input/output ratio, the time and energy put behind the scenes. Most open spots will call me lazy and say my heart isn't in it but you know what? Its not. My heart isn't in it, and I will admit that. If my heart WAS in it, then I would already have gigs lined up every week by now. I performed stand-up from January to May and in that time totted up 15 gigs, I watched forums like a hawk, snapped opportunities from promoters and attended as much comedy as I could afford outside of my studies and I think three gigs a month average is a cracking first try considering the demand for spots. You may have noticed that sounds cocky and self confident, well;it is. I learned something important on the circuit which is great advice to give and hard to follow: Confidence is key. Yeah, I'm still shit by professional standards or paid standards and my problem when I was an Open Spot is taking that too harshly. I'm SUPPOSED to be shit, everyone is when they start out. Fact of the matter is, my shit to good gig ratio was leaning very close to good, if I wasn't such a delicate flower/arsehole I would be able to see that my problem isn't what others think of me, its what I allow them to make me feel. Until I learn that I can be shit in front of a crowd and survive to tell the tale, as I have done, I do not belong on the circuit and that includes giving stand-up my all.

Having said that, I plan on returning, and doing bits and bobs here and there. There is nothing better for learning stage craft than stand-up comedy, mark my words!

Well, thats pretty much half the year right there. After May I started my long-haul through summer. I planned on learning how to drive but unfortunately that never came to pass. Even though I had nothing to do, I found myself far too busy to sort out driving lessons. Again, I think its the idea that my heart wasn't truly in it and I therefore didn't put as much effort into it. I can only hope from here on in I take heed that my heart needs to be in more of the things that I need to get done! I have found I am very good at putting things off, and this is something I hope to tackle in the new year.

When Uni started back up, I was inspired! As you may be aware, at the beginning of each semester I have a large project to complete and in September of last year my work group and I began work on "Fear" which you can read all about at your leisure. That project taught me a valuable lesson: I love being busy and hate being bored. Also I learned that busyness in most forms reaps its own rewards whether that be making new comics, reading interesting books, watching television or going out with friends. Busy is good, busy is fun and adventurous, busy makes life go forward.

Speaking of which, my social life has been a boom this year. Friends of mine on facebook can attest to seeing me appear in more places on more profiles with friends on evenings out and at events. I think this is particularly true of those on my course. You don't go through what we go through together without forming an understanding relationship. I am so grateful to know these people. While studying at Bolton University, my very wise friend and excellent lecturer Albert Phipps told me that in university I would make friends that will be with me for the rest of my life, and I truly believe this. Even the idiots make life more interesting, my life has been enriched so much from being in that environment that I am now considering a move to Manchester full time (this is something I will need to do a lot of thinking on though.)

I gained another nephew this year of course, Alex who is just smashing. He is quite quirky and makes strange noises, mostly grunts. Aaron is a clever little shit, picks things up faster than his father and is a wonderfully cheeky chappy, butter wouldn't melt in his mouth. Jayden, well, he is developing into quite a sweet young man, he still isn't using English yet but he is certainly developing his own interesting language at a rate I am struggling to keep up with/

Lets finish on a hot topic of mine the past few years: health. I think my last report online was that I weighed in at 12 stone. I am roughly 12 stone at the moment, but I must say that I am on average over the past few months 11 to 11.5 stone, having gained half a stone since the Christmas holidays started.

I am looking better for it I think, particularly since I've been going to the gym this year and have managed to bulk up my arms and chest, as well as my stomach. The loose skin is and I fear will always be present on my body but its something I am going to learn to live with, I don't particularly want a large amount of muscle but as I am slowly turning into a 'good looking man' I need to consider the possibility that this is a role I may be asked to play. This in turn may lead me to need a 'good looking body' which fashion dictates is not one covered in stretch marks and loose skin. Don't think for one second that is the reason I am toning up, the main reason is that I want more strength to be able to perform very well in physical theatre and dance, I also want to feel better about the way I look. If I get a part as a handsome man who gets his kit off, well, I'll be ready for it. In other news, while we are on the subject of my image, I got my hair cropped to mid length. Reviews are favourable but naturally I want my old hair back as soon as possible which is usually the case.

That it I think. I haven't covered the whole year, but then this is the first time I think in the history of these posts were the review has been almost immediately after the end of the old year. I will soon be posting a reflection on last years resolutions, and beginning this years so stay tuned!

Is it time to change?

Life seems to be running much faster these days.

In the past month I have finished my theatre project (which, to be honest with you, I really can't be bothered reviewing. It was a wonderful experience and it went very well, it was a success, and I am happy to have done it.) Been out around Manchester of an evening, and been to a house party. To the average person my age this may seem normal, or at least as normal as student life should get, but I think you reading this will know that for me, this is out of character.

I think that is a very important word in this context, character. I have had a wonderful time with my course mates, and consider them good friends, but the things I have been doing seem very unlike me. I have been enjoying myself though, which can only be a good thing, so is it that it in fact IS like me to do these things but have never had the chance? Sure I would go out with friends around Wigan, we would go to the pub, then a club afterwards, and as I don't drink I'd leave somewhere around the 12pm mark, which is usually the point in which things start to get boring for me.

Is not drinking inhibiting me? I get mixed reactions from people whom hear me say 'I don't drink' the first of which is usually 'Why?' I don't know why I don't drink! Sometimes its easier to say 'Oh, I have a stomach problem' (which I do, called Helicobacter Pylori which basically causes severe heartburn at the drop of a hat, but is controlled by medication) because the sympathy vote is a much nicer reaction than that of disgust or condescension.

What alcohol does is very simple. In your head are a number of controllers, lets take for example Freud's id, ego and super ego stuff. The ID is everything you want to do, its your pleasure centre, it only wants the good stuff and none of the bad stuff and is essentially your inner caveman (if I can use such a vulgar term.) Ego is the sly devil who appeases the ID in way which satifies it, but also looks after you in the context of reality, so your Ego will seek pleasure for ID while making sure you stay out of trouble in the long run. Superego is the rules you know to be true, such as morality and law and all that gaff, so it informs the Ego and suppresses the more destructive parts of the ID, call it your conscience (again, vulgar term, don't quote me but you get the idea.) When your brain consumes alcohol, it turns off Superego and fucks Ego up, leaving you with a sort of semi-functioning understanding of the rules of reality, and an overwhelming desire for pleasure. It turns off the voice in your head which says 'This is why you shouldn't do this' and essentially flips your personality from everything you wouldn't do for whatever reason (and they would be down to your character) to doing whatever because you have no inhibitions.

You can probably imagine why I might be apprehensive about alcohol. Not only do I have a stupidly strong desire to please others, and feel painful guilt when I think I have let someone down, but there are also a lot of things I would never say or do, but which I would sure as hell like to. In this sense I am generally a dishonest person, oh sure I wouldn't lie in the sense of misleading people, but a lie of omission is still a lie. There are quite a few people I am attracted to on my course which is fine, because I am human, but being the person that I am I know I would l never do anything that might ruin a friendship, I value that much much more. Lets not forget that I am really weird when it comes to things like being touched, which I am trying my fucking hardest to get over, because it makes me feel so shit when I can't get involved with horseplay and such, all because of my fucked up head.

At the party last night, I was there from about 10pm till 2am, and I genuinely had a good time. I am still honest with my feelings, and so when people ask 'Are you having fun' I will answer honestly, and when I say 'Not really' I know its time to shake my ass home (rather than stay and bring everyone else down.) I know I am not very good meeting too many new people at once, or when I am in a situation with friends and there is a new person, I am quite shy really, and its taken me a while to put my finger on that. So the party carried on and everyone was having a good time, getting drunk, there was some weed smoking I think, and I was enjoying myself until something clicked in my head.

I think it was when I was sat down, in the room with the music, and watching some of the people there dancing. Some I knew well, some I didn't know as well but I still considered friends. I remember thinking 'I wish I had friends like these' and this internal dialogue started to play out...

'But these are my friends'

'I want to play too'

'Then why don't I'

...and that was it. I didn't have an answer. Why don't I join in? I'm sure I am invited to, as much as any of the others. What is wrong with me? I don't think I am above it, in fact if clowning has taught me anything its that being beneath it is much more fun. Is it because I am sober? I don't think so, but then I wouldn't know because I'm not drunk. Why can't I stop fucking THINKING about this shit and just do it?

Is it my character?

My character. I have constructed it, for better or worse. Sye is a conscious character, but a character none the less. We all wear masks, every one of us. We hide behind them, we are naked without them, in fact I am of the opinion that I have only ever been without some sort of mask when I was younger. When I was Simon.

This may sound Odd, but there was a change in me when I came out. I left high school as most people did, at 16. As soon as I left, I came out gay. From then on I had a confidence I could never muster in school due to bullying, and as a symbol of that transition to the new, funny, outgoing confident guy I had become, I took on the nickname, the mantra of Sye. The name isn't important mind, it was the definitive split between what I was and what I was going to be (so I thought.) Many people have the same transition, and its not just a gay thing, people have this transition in their first relationship, after losing their virginity, after their first night wasted at a party, they shrug off what it was that they were for a new, more socially acceptable and presumably confident lifestyle.

Maybe I haven't shrugged everything off. Maybe this social awkwardness and weariness of intimacy is that bullied little boy finding himself in deep water and unable to swim.

Its times like this when I thank god for the friends that I have.

I sometimes find myself lying to fit in. just little white lies which are nothing special. I've never done drugs, although I have tried smoking and, although an interesting sensation, I didn't get any benefit from it. I have never been in a romantic relationship, although I imagine there are many people with boyfriends or girlfriends who couldn't call their relationship romantic. Probably one of the reasons I feel so out of place and awkward is because all of these things happen around me, and I feel I need to justifying myself to be accepted (its easy for me to say that this isn't the case, but if I am honest, I am as susceptible to peer pressure as anyone else, and this is exactly what it is.)

I always had the belief that I love my friends far more than they love me, simply because I need them more. I was saying to someone recently, one trait within my family is that we all crave to be needed. We want people to be able to rely on us and in doing so, we justify our friendships.

Hmm, I think I have proven that I can talk on and on about this topic. I think its because I am looking for answers as much as informing you, the reader, of what it is I have already found. I will say this though; If you are my friend, and I have quite a few at the point, know that I love you. I love you, and you have me at your disposal because of that love, should you ever need me I will do my honest best to make your life easier, and make you smile. You are the best person at being who you are, and for that reason you are surrounded by those who love you, and this includes me.

You do not need to love me, you are not responsible for my happiness and I do not want you to worry about me.

Just be there. Be there and be you, that is all I ask.

† After proof reading this, I can see it has a certain 'Oh my life is shit, why am I such a dick head' tone to it. I am not looking for attention or sympathy here, please don't feel obligated to give me either. its the reason I will leave a room if I think I'm being a social hermit. My problems are my problems as with others and theirs. I write them down because it helps me understand myself sometimes.

I write them online because its cheaper than buying a diary, and its essentially an easy attempt at being more open about myself.

I just want to scream!

I am so frustrated, I want to yell at the top of my voice!

I am not one to be dramatic most of the time but I am feeling such a stress of doing nothing. People often assume that a holiday whether forced or not is a good thing, perhaps not for financial reasons but certainly as respite for the mind, but this one has gone on long enough. I am chewing my laptop here, I am so restless!

I do a lot of volunteering of course, and I have everything I do online including a few projects I am considering. There is pride this weekend and my Art which is on going as always and yet in moments like this I just feel so pent up that I am ready to throw a chair. On my way upstairs I was overcome with a wave of loneliness, where the hell did that come from!? While I was brushing my teeth I had a sudden feeling of foreboding by my often reoccurring fear of death, in the reminder that it is the once certainty in life. My brain is so starved of distractions that it is actually punishing me. My brain is saying "If you don't give me something to do, some different walls to stare at, some escape from this living prison, I will force you to consider all your insecurities and fears." I have even started to think terrible things of people I care about. I'm getting to be paranoid about the two faced nature of some of my friends. I know this exists, it is one of their flaws, hell I would be lieing if I said I haven't acted more friendly to someone than I actually am (and I am a very good actor) but for some reason I am making demons where I shouldn't.

I never thought I would say this but I may just be a career type. Without University to guide and schedule my time I feel lost and restless. I feel trapped by circumstance and caged by an empty routine. At least when I went to the gym (of which my membership expired last week) I was working towards a clear goal. Now its as if my time at home is completely thankless.

Then I think, how am I going to go on after Uni?

So, get this, right....

I weigh just over twelve stone!

I know, its weird. Its like I've been here all summer surrounded by numerous foods, not to mention having money in the bank to buy numerous foods and here I am, just over twelve stone. I mentioned before that I joined a gym, well I have been hitting it a little harder than I originally planned, though to be fair I took a street dance class last Wednesday which was amazing but also left me amazingly achy, then the day after I went to the gym again. Needless to say, I haven't been all weekend I'm gonna go today.

I find it really focusing, and energising to do a good workout. Not to mention I get the chance to do some swimming which I love, and I have been doing my intensive stretches so my heal stretches are quite impressive now.

I'm not a gym bunny though. Or at least I hope I'm not...  I must admit to not being entirely sure what classifies as a gym bunny these days. there are some days when I will go to the gym everyday, then others when its once every two or three days. I'm going to get rid of some of my loose skin which I think might cause me hastle if I don't sort out. I do want to look a little more toned as well, is that a gym bunny thing? Some people there are embarassingly big. The sort of people you think must consider themselves gods gift, when actually people are staring at them thinking 'What the fuck?" instead of admiration or jealousy.

Gaining upper body strength will have its advantages in my dancing and cheer leading as well. In fact the more I think about it, the more my university lifestyle compliments my healthy regime. I think its just strange bringing that lifestyle back home, which is why I am so shocked that I managed to keep my weight down over the summer. Maybe it wasn't the move to university which spurred my weight loss, maybe greater of myself has changed.

I certainly feel different.

He's dead, gym!

Ok ok ok, guess what I did...

Wrong!... (maybe,) I joined a gym. After losing an ass load of weight (unfortunately, not from my ass) I have decided to do the stupidly bold and moronically adventurous thing of walking the Manchester Pride parade... shirtless! Normally this action is enough to frighten the populous, but screw it, I'm proud of who I am (or whatever it is.)

Sye, put your shirt on!

I'm usually in the gym for about an hour and a half, to two hours at a time. I start by getting changed (that helps) and doing fifteen minutes on a bike. Not a regular bike mind, one you can chill out on! I tend not to chill out though, I'm quite good at being rigorous when I'm in the gym. After that I do my intensive stretches, focusing mostly on my legs (as I use them for walking and such.) Next up is either fifteen minutes on the rowing machine, or I skip that and go straight to my muscle work outs. These involve focusing on my arms and chest, as well as getting rid of the mid-rift which I have yet to give a name to. After all that, a nice relaxing fifteen minute swim, followed by roughly eight hours in the jacuzzi and sauna (thats, eight hours each or course.)

I leave feeling refreshed and rejuvenated. I have to say it isn't at all what I've expected. I did try attending a gym a few years ago and just felt so self conscious that I couldn't really concentrate. I mean I was fat, but the fact that most of the people in that gym were steroid monkeys, and I was still envious of their bodies. Now however its as if I have no shame at all! I mean there are still a lot of things I would change about my body given the chance, but going from being large to being medium has sort of put things into perspective about how much nobody gives a shit but you! Actually I was worried that I would start to pile weight on during the holidays from Uni, but actually I've managed to stick to it and tighten some of my unsightly loose skin.

All in all, I am rather proud of myself (or, whatever it is) and I think I am going to be daring enought to post pictures soon to report on my progress!

Now, where did I put the ice cream...

At the crossroads once more.

I feel a little lost again.

I hate that feeling, I've had it before quite a few times I think, but this times its a little unsettling. My stand-up has ground to a halt and to be frank, although I love being on stage and making people laugh, it just isn't at the number one spot on my list of 'things to do.' I feel slightly guilty in saying and feeling that because a lot of people are willing me to do well, and I myself didn't think I would turn out to be someone who would 'give stand-up a go' but actually continue as I meant to go on. Oops, that was past tense, I'm trying to avoid talking about stand-up in the past tense because I do intend to continue at some point, maybe after the summer.

I will tell you this, the world of stand-up comedy asks a lot and delivers so startlingly little. You trall though lists upon lists of promoters whom don't get back to you, should you approach them offering your time in return for their stage. Your expected to travel up and down the country at your own expense for as little as a ten minute open spot, unpaid and sometimes unnoticed. All this in the hope that at some point, maybe one or two years down the line, someone might offer you money for the privilege, which for the first three years or so will go towards paying and paying off travel expenses from previous excursions.

All this, and then be expected to play nice, to stay on the good side of those fickle promoters who would just as soon as give you a bad name than answer the phone to you. To travel two hours out of your way to have the audience say "He was good, but not as good as the last guy," and to know that if you even think about complaining you will be branded as a 'chancer' or a 'hobbyist' or simply 'your heart isn't in it.'

The comedy circuit at the moment is having its throat crushed by open spots, as it stands the best clubs in Manchester have a five to six month waiting list and unfortunately, that is pretty much the score. So unless theres a drop-out I can jump on for a spot, I will just have to wait. In the mean time, I have plenty to keep me busy. Mainly because...

SUMMER HOLIDAYS!

I have about four months to play with and relatively few goals to achieve during that time, the first being to start my driving lessons. I'm going to try and tone up as well, because I've succeeded in the first task (losing the weight) being half a stone over my 'ideal' weight for my height, I now have to do something about this unsightly loose skin.

My goal is to have something which tightens the skin on my upper arms, chest and abdomen (and hopefully my arse, and get rid of my last remaining hurdle... the love handles.) I'm not particularly vein about my appearance, but having a toned upper body will help me with my gymnastics and dancing (I've recently gotten back into street dance and ballet, weeee!) as well as my cheer leading. It will also tighten up some (but probably not all) of the loose skin I am now sporting, which in some ways almost feels as bad as being over weight did at times.

You know, I was talking to an acquaintance the other day at my brothers wedding, and he was asking 'whats your secret Sye, how did you lose all that weight', and being the honest and blunt person I am I said without thinking 'I stopped eating.' Thats a bit of a lie, I didn't stop eating, I just considerably cut down my eating while considerably raising my exercise. It wasn't something I planned to do, it was just because Uni had just started and I didn't find time to go food shopping, so lived off the few things I had with me (which were all healthy foods such as fruit and cereals) during my first project, which was an exhausting three week run as an extra in a show at the Lowry (read about it here.)

He then says, with a what I can only think of as a massive air of authority something along the lines of 'You shouldn't do that, thats the wrong way to lose weight.'

...

Ok first of all, porky, I know it is the wrong way to lose weight, I know that whats best for your body and for your mind is to lose weight gradually over a long period of time. I know that this is what causes most diets to fail or have extremely short term effects, I advise people the same thing. I know all of the things that most people continue to tell me when I tell them that I considerably cut down my eating habits and considerably increased my exercise, and you know what? I feel fantastic! Even though it was the wrong way to lose weight, I did lose weight. Since I was 17 Ive struggled with my weight, the high point being 18 when I weighted over my age in stone. Numerous times I went on a detox or a diet or simply attempted to cut out one of my calorific delights altogether, and each time such a pursuit landed flat on its arse. I went back into education, did more volunteering, took leisure walks with the dogs, and slowly adjusted my diet swapping high calorific things such as fizzy pop for healthy things such as water. I lost weight slowly in this method but still I leveled out at 16 stone. This was still medically overweight, 4 stone over my ideal weight for my height.

You know what worked? Uni. The first month and a half took an enormous amount of energy to keep myself going, and having to adjust to living by myself I was yet to organise an adequate diet food supply. I lost three within two months and another stone and a half over the next three months. I now sit at roughly 12st 4lbs, which is about two thirds of a stone over my ideal BMI, without accounting for muscle mass. Say what you want about how I lost the weight, fact is; I lost the weight and kept it off, and now I have something to work with if I wanted to tone up, which I do.

Furthermore, Mr "I know everything about how to lose weight, and therefore feel qualified to tell you how not to do it, despite my current physique," I suggest next time you ask me a question, you should be great-full if you get an answer which isn't the removal of all your body hair with a floor waxer.

Last Week

I had a full week last week, boy let me tell you! In fact I would go as far as to say that last week has been the busiest week of the year. Lets break it down, old school...

Monday I traveled from Wigan in the morning to catch my class which ran from 11:30am to 12am, then went and met a friend for lunch. From there my friend and I caught the train to Manchester, then onto Stockport where I had a gig. The gig was filmed as part of a TV project, and I have been assured that I will get a copy of the gig, so stay tuned for that.

After that I had to hop on the train back to Manchester and from there back to Wigan to attend B.yoU (the youth group I frequent.) We had to sort things out for the residential at the weekend, dot the i's and so on. After the meeting, quick taxi home to pick up some extra clothes and then the last train back to Salford for some much needed respite.

Tuesday Up bright and early for a spot of swimming, I felt guilty as I had a cold the week before and didn't get a chance to go swimming at all, so I fancied a nice relaxing swim. From there to Voice class at 12am where we are working on our RP and American accents, and after that I had Movement class which is normally mask work but our Tuesday tutor was ill so we had Clowning instead, which is so awesome! Quick lunch then I'm off doing my shopping at Tesco's which consists of apples and bread (all my other shopping I buy in bulk once a month and store, it saves my poor little arms.)

Tuesday evening I enjoyed a lovely gig with my good friend Red Redmond who was on the bill with the likes of Colin Manford and the fabulous Jonathan Mayor. Its a really nice gig (the one I did in my pervious post) and a good place to network with other new acts.

Wednesday Oh boy, Wednesday. I was up at 8am and caught the train to Manchester, I had to catch a train down to London. I was being presented with an award by Stonewall for all the volunteering work that I've over the past six months. I arrived at London Euston two hours after setting off and got the ride the tube to Charing Cross. From there it was a short walk to Planet Hollywood where the other young volunteers and I enjoyed a nice complementary meal. Then it was a short walk to the London Eye which was amazing, as the day was really clear and sunny and you could see over the whole of london...

...I took an ass load of pictures which will make their way to my facebook eventually, and I also plan on making a number of project out of them, but for now, back to the story. After the eye we all took a brisk walk over to the Stonewall offices across the road (I know, across the road from the London Eye!) and met the gang. Well, I knew quite a lot of them anyway from the residential last august. We also got the chance to watch the first half hour of FIT, a new educational film by Rikki Beadle Blair (who is just lovely and awesome.) After that another brisk walk across the bridge and we had the award ceramony in a posh hotel (the kind of hotel someone who looks like me would be sleeping in the doorway of.)

It was all very pleasant and I got my award, I also got the chance to go out onto the balcony and get an amazing view of the Themes...

...and that was it, quick ride on the tube to Euston, then a train home. all in all a good day.

Thursday
Thursday wasn't perticularly eventful, classes as normal (yey more Clowning!) and in the evening I decided not to go to cheer leading. We did however get our team photo taken which I'm sure I will post at some point.

Friday
No classes on friday! Instead I had to be at my student union for 1pm, as I had a date with a camera. I was asked to be interviewed for one of the Uni's video projects. Basically they just asked me questions such as "what is a lecture?" and things like that, and I answered them. If I understand it correctly the aim of the video is to help teach younger people about Uni life.

After that it was straight back to Wigan, I had to pack for our wonderful residential to Coldwell near Pendle Hill. However, I will be saving the weekend for another post, as I am running out of time. I have a gig tonight and I need to get ready!

It suits me being that run-in, I like being busy. Although I admit that come Monday I was so tired I missed class in the morning, I felt like death. I have a three week break coming up this friday, so I will probably spend all of that playing games, watching comedy, chilling out, hanging out and generally living like scum. Can't wait!

Healthy update

This healthy living lark isn't as hard as I thought it was going to be. Well, I mean not when I'm at Uni.

When I'm at Uni during the week, I can limit the amount of food available to me and therefore am less likely to go apeshit eating crazy at mealtimes. I am more likely to focus on portion control and am therefore capable of recognising when I'm full. My typical day involves Cheerios or a Coffee for breakfast, I carry Water and an Apple with me throughout the day in case I get peckish. Lunch is usually a sandwich and same with tea.

At home on the other hand, I have food on tap. Its available to me a thousand times over! Chippy up the road, pasties, pop, chocolate and then some, all as much as I can eat and believe me ladies and gentlemen I have very little willpower when I am at home. Here in Salford, between a healthy diet and swimming I am actually doing well for myself, but at the weekend I over eat massively. I suppose my healthy diet is more a question of will power than availability of food. I haven't changed my diet at all, just the circumstances in which I find myself eating.

I weighed myself this morning after a nice swim and am now Im 13st 1, which according to my previous post which I weighed myself (last November) means I have lost four pounds. My weight seems to have stabalised, which means for me to lose any more weight I am going to need to push myself beyond what I am already doing. I guess that means eating less and exercising more, although don't go getting the wrong idea here, I am not a health freak nor a body lover, I'm just trying something new. I really have an issue with beautiful people who are naturally good looking without even trying, and are vein about it. If at the end of this, when I have reached my normal weight bracket I don't like what I see then I will put the weight back on. I'm not getting thin to be beautiful (in fact, my ideal guy is someone with a little extra, I don't find thin people attractive) I am getting thin to see what its like, if means I can wear nicer clothes, or stop feeling so damn hot all the time, or if I am more flexible and can get those gymnastics down that Ive been trying.

I am body confident because of how far I've come, and don't have issues with my looks. In fact I carry my stretch marks and loose skin as battle scars of how big I was at my low point, and how far I've come. And they're fun to play with at parties.

The whole year through: 2009

Like last year, I am late in posting this, this being of course a review of the previous year as a narrative, summed up in a single post. Lets start where I left off shall we? one year ago...

After making the monumental decision to make the intangable leap from psychology to performing arts, my mind became a battlefield. Psychology was a race to the finnish, I was so eager to get started at Salford uni but my pyshcology course was gaining pace as it was reaching its finale. Assignments piled one on top of the other as the stress mounted, what was harder however was that the stress mounted, penetrated and didn't even cuddle me afterwords...

I am speaking of course, of the nonesense which began in January of last year, and continued througout 2009 and beyond. The day after last years post, Jayden Watts was born by caesarian section. My nephew was a month premature and was kept in hospital for over a month with one ailment or another, he was finally released after a hernia operation. However, Jayden's parents; my brother Colin and his girlfriend Sarah are two morons, and I mean that in every concievable sense of the word. Both of them were at the time claiming DLA, him for ADHD and her for... Is 'thick as pig shit' a medical term? well whatever it was, social services were not going to let them try to raise a child, and my brother knew it way before the birth. I feel I should mention that my brother re-entered our lives in august of 2008 after three years of no contact, of course Sarah was heavily pregnant, which lead us all to see the obvious; that he had knocked up an idiot (as idiots tend to do,) and is coming crying to daddy for help, but I digress.

Naturally, family is a very important tradition to us so my parents were not going to let Jayden into the adoption system were we would never see him again, unfortunately however this left us with only one option. Thats right, my parents began the lengthy proceedure of adopting my nephew (well, becoming 'special guardians' or whatever.) It was not easy, social services were fighting us every step of the way at that point and we needed to make some major changes, which were unfortunately for me going to coincide with these late deadlines and so on; the worst was still to come and I had no idea of it.

As briefly mentioned here, my parents won the right to be 'emergancy foster carers' which was at the time a major triumph but came at a price. As all the stress was piling on with uni, I was asked to leave home while the police sorted out my security check, I was booted out of my own house at a time when I really needed their support. The worse thing was that they (my parents) were apologising and felt so guilty that I had to leave (which was my choice, and I made it knowing how hard my parents were fighting for custody of my nephew,) add to that the nonesense with B.yoU, and old youth group I used to frequent which was pushing for a new production (which I had written and was starring in,) the stress was certainly piling up.

Not to mention it was around this time that I had put my application in to Salford through UCAS, for a performance course. I didn't hear anything back for what seemed like forever, which did not do to improve my mood, things were looking bleak. I heard back from salford and it was time for my audition which went... well, I explained it better here but in a nutshell, I was not impressed with how they handled it but was pleased to have a desirable outcome; This time I was all set to start my life in salford after the summer...

...but I didn't hear anything. For over six weeks I didn't hear anything after my interview. Nothing changed on UCAS, I couldn't apply for student finance but what was worse? I didn't even know whether I had got onto any of the courses I applied for or not (and had only applied for Salford in the first place.) Eventually, they updated my UCAS and I was surprised to find out I had been offered a place on HND media and performance, I was looking forward to it.

Roll on a few more month and major renovation work was almost complete on the house, new carpets and flooring, redecorating througout, a wall to split one of the larger rooms into a bedroom for me and a nursery for Jayden, it was a lot of work. My course has just about ended with all my assignments handed in and everything as it should be. It was about this time that my brother got married to my (now) sister-in-law Tammy, and we had to clean their house in its entirity because I was asked to dog/house sit for them and the place was layered with years and years worth of trash, but we did it and that worked out fine as well. It was also at this time we found out that my third nephew is on the way, he is due in March, and his name is Alex (I'm sure with the next kids my brother and sister-in-law will start on the 'b's.)

What followed this was a long and empty summer, filled with the sort of bubble gum dreams and meadow frolicking you would see in any teen movie, except it was all supported by the high I got from knowing that in the September to come, I would be starting university and my life was going to change. Jayden was assigned a new social worker who was at last working with us instead of against us and I managed to move back home, into a broom cupboard with a bed in it (which I was greatfull for, having spent over a month living as a burden on my brother and his girlfriend, in their house across the road.) I am getting my times mixed up here I think, It must have been more than a month spent at my brother's house, as I remember going to Bolton uni while staying there, funny thing memory isn't it?

In august, just before my birthday, I went on a weekend residential to train as a Stonewall Youth Volunteer, I had a wonderful time and made some cracking friends whom I can't wait to see again at the awards ceremony this coming march. Since last august I have been working on a campaign to improve the situation regarding homophobic bullying in schools. however, the verdict is still out on how successful I will be.

Lets see, where are we up to now... ...lets call it September. My summer was over, all of the finance and accommodation stuff has been sorted out, it was time to head to Uni. After moving over and breaking the ice with freshers week (I didn't attend much, shocking I know) it was time to start my course; HND Media and Performance. The year kicked off with a three week project at the Lowry which was called Beyond the Front Line (I blogged the whole thing, and even I like reading over it every now and again.) It was on this installation workshop that I made friends with some fantastic people, the sort of people you know you will be friends with for many years to come (also the sort I had already made while studying at Bolton Uni.)

Also, and I still don't know how to be truthfully honest, I ended up joining the Salford Sirens, which is Salford Uni's cheer leading squad. I don't do the dances, but I do the stunts (lifting and making pyramids and such) and the tumbles (the gymnastics, I'm almost able to flip flop!) I think I may have touched on this as a part of my series on healthy living, but it is fantastic exercise and has just enough danger to be manly.

And there you have it. Aside from an amazing amount of weight lost compared to previous rates of weight loss (16-15st at the beginning of 2009, 13.1st at the end) I have pretty much settled into life as a first year student. That's not to say that life is uneventful, stand-up is still my main goal and I have a few things in mind for the coming year as well as learning to drive, not to mention this improvisation course I am starting (in about two hours, weee!) at the comedy store which I will probably post about another time.

I always gauge my life on how many things I have to worry about. If I have a lot to be worried about, I'm obviously not doing too well, but if I have relatively few worries then things are looking good. at this point, I have much less worries than I did a year ago and I hope the trend continues. See me in a years time, doing a ten minute open spot and ripping the house down with improvisational eccentricity.

It is going to be a fantastic year.

PS: I know this is half a month late, but I was too busy having fun. x

2010, fingers crossed!

Using my good friend Antony's post as a muse, I am going to kill some time by jotting down some of the things I hope to achieve or at least advance in before the end of this year. I always leave these lists purposefully short because having a long list of achievements only leads to a long list of failures at the end of the year if things go astray, I also don't use words such as "try", because I've been trying to do these things in the past which is why they are on this list, which will be full of things I will do. I think I'm willing to be adventurous, so here goes;

Health

• Brush my hair more.
• Reach my 'normal' weight bracket (as discussed here.)
• Keep up my exercise

Uni/Career

• Be funnier
• Gig more
• See more live comedy
• Explore the performance industry
• Learn to drive
• Be more productive and industrious with Uni work
• Get more comics done

Well-being

• Keep in touch with friends and family
• Go out more
• More reading, less gaming
• Study more on the area's which interest me (space, history, biology etc.)
• Make the effort to improve/be more adventurous.

I think that's it for my list of goals. You might notice that a few of them are ambiguous, I assure you that this is by design. You see, there are a lot of things in my head, all bumping into each other and flying all around the place, and I kinda like it like that. But every so often there will be something which will sit still at the back of my mind, a concious desire to affect change in the way I think or behave, and it is that which I want to achieve with these goals.

I can think of an incident in Uni not too long ago, I was checking out the unions LGBT group, and there were three people who didn't really pay attention or seem interested in the meeting, two people running it (dominating it, or at least trying to) and two other people slightly wishy washy and embarrassed to be spoken to (if you know the type, they annoy me.) They started trashing Stonewall which I was not happy about (and made myself heard on the subject) and showed support of LFG (who once pulled funding from a local group in Wigan from the NHS, essentially stealing a service) which I also made known to the group. I did the goody goody act all the way though (which is difficult when your refuting a point made by an assertive dominator) when what I really wanted to do was tell them I was disappointed and leave half way through.

So my thinking with the goal 'Make the effort to improve/be more adventurous' is to take the opportunity when my instincts tell me that playing the nice guy isn't in my best interest in this situation, even if it may turn opinion against me; See? purposefully ambiguous.

A Note on Animal Rights.

I just realised that I don't think at any point over the past few years of this blog existing have I mentioned how I feel about animal rights. Of course epople who know me personally will know that I feel strongly about animal rights but I'm not being clear to the random Joe on the internet (I know there probably aren't any, but a guy can dream right?)

First off, I have mentioned that I am a "vegetarian" so it is probably already clear that I am a supporter of Animal Rights. I am also a supporter of PeTA despite the bad press they get, they are essentially fighting for a cause I believe in while I am busy focussing on other causes I believe in (for example, gay rights.)

Most of the controversy surrounding PeTA is that they use shock tactics to grab peoples attention. I do not advocate this, but at the same time it was what brought me into the fold so to speak, I am glad of what some consider 'harsh' techniques as I would otherwise still be eating meat. In western society we do not like to think about what happens to out food before it reaches our mouths, so people are naturally defensive, uncomfortable and often offended when PeTA release videos expressing the horrors of battery farmed chickens and dog fighting (please watch those videos, they are made for this reason) because it forces them to admit that what they are eating, what is so delicious that they couldn't possibly live a life without eating might have lived such a horrific and torturous life. People think that PeTA exists to convert the whole planet to vegans, but this isn't the case, they do a lot of work with aforementioned anti-dog fighting campaigns and ad's encouraging people to spay and neuter their pets, as well as the adverts discouraging the use of real Fur in the fashion industry which you might have seen around town. Animal rights activists have been demonised in popular culture as people who waste their atention on animals when children are being abused, and women, and the elderly. People assume that because a human rights cause is considered more worthy of their time, they are somehow wrong for focusing on animals. Just typing that statement makes me think of how stupid it is, societies exist for these kinds of activism because it is where the individuals passions lies. Obviously the rights of animals is going to be considered less important than the rights of people, but you can't force someone to feel passionately about something, they are going to fight for what they believe in and thats that, you might as well fight for a worthwhile cause in any case (rather than fighting for 'white power' or a 'supreme god', right?)

To be honest, I suppose I am talking to the wrong crowd, if you are reading this then chances are you have been following the blog and know that my hearts going to be in the right place, so there is little chance of you disagreeing that animals need to be given the same right to life as we have. I believe that as a 'higher species' it is out duty to follow our conscience, to understand that our guilt is what makes us human, and gives us the right to use the term 'dominant species of earth'. While it may be our 'natural animal instinct' to eat meat, and even animals eat other animals, and we have been doing since the year dot and other such arguments; it is an exercise of our humanity to abstain. If you argue that even animals eat other animals and it is therefore ok for us to do so, and you also agree that animals don't have the same rights as humans, are those terms not in direct contradiction? we are allowed to be animalistic, but animals cannot be humanistic?..

Ok this has degenerated very quickly into a rant, so I am going to love you and leave you, have fun everyone! (and try to eat less meat)

Review: How to Look Good Naked

Like many people, I watch How to Look Good Naked. I think it is a fantastic program existing for all the right reasons. At a glance most people would assume its just another gay fashion show focusing on women's bodies and whats 'hot or not' in the world clothing trends, but this couldn't be further from the truth.

I would urge as many people as possible to watch Naked, it delivers a message to all genders and sexualities about body confidence and how quite often we can be objective and prejudice, and self deprecating for no real reason. The shows host and creator Gok Wan uses his quirky sense of humour and familiarity with both women and style to create a persona that couldn't be warmer, I'm usually not a fan of the camp, sassy over the top gay man but Gok adds such an air of sophistication by simply knowing his work and being able to convey the message of body confidence in a way that is universally relatable. In the current series in particular, Gok is throwing in little tips for men to keep on top of their game, generally helpful advice from someone in the industry and well worth the watch!

Another good thing about this current series, the winner of 'Miss Naked 2008' Shona Collins has teamed up with Gok to try and get body confidence taught on the curriculum with PSHE (Physical, Social and Health Education) class in schools. Having studied the psychology behind the mental health conditions which stem from low body confidence (such as Bulimia Nervosa and Agoraphobia) I believe this is a vitally important and severely over looked field of education. Never would you believe that in school someone would take the time out to reassure people than actually, having a natural body and being confident in their own skin is more important than constantly attaining to that ideal body they see in the media. The fight continues to get body confidence on the curriculum with a petition over at number10.gov.uk, click that link and sign the petition for the idea of a more confident generation of teens to become a reality.

This topic ties into My Declaration of a healthier lifestyle, which doesn't just include regular excercise, but the psychological side of simply loving your body and the things that make you unique. There are a few people close to me, male and female, who are constantly getting down on their looks (in fact, of the people around me I think it is more common in men than women) and I honestly believe watching such things as Naked, which recently featured a second look at a lady who had a mastectomy during her battle with breast cancer. After appearing on the show with Gok, Kelly is now an inspiration to other women in the same boat, learning how to love their bodies and carry on being brave, confident and good looking women.

I am going to continue watching the shows on 4oD (a service I have recommended in the past) and keep suggesting that everyone indulges in a little feel good TV every now and then. I'm normally not a fan of reality TV (which from all accounts in on the way out within the next few years) but Gok's show (and lets not forget Too Fat Too Young, the first thing I saw Gok feature which is also a very hard hitting look at the way our culture percieves the overweight and obese individual.) I never really sit down to watch TV these days, most of the time if I am watching something made for TV I do it using onDemand internet television such as 4oD, but I usually set an evening aside for catching up on Naked while sipping a nice hot coffee and filing my nails... ok, I think I've said too much!

My Declaration

Since the age of around 16, just after starting college I would say, puberty played a very mean trick on me by broadening my shoulders. Most slimmer framed men would envy having broad shoulders and the man I would go for is in my mind one with a broader frame (with big arms, but I digress... man I love digressing!) but my frame was the catalyst of a massive weight gain in a very short amount of time. Within a year I had gained almost four stone, taking me to the latter end of 18 stone and giving my arms, thighs, tummy and even knees some of the most horribly disfiguring stretch marks you are ever likely to see on someone my age.

I really like looking back on these pictures dispite my size.

I am now age twenty two, and at the age of around nineteen I started making small changes to my diet, this came about due to my entry to full time work (as short lived as it was.) I continued to lose weight gradually over the following years as I went from one venture to the other, art school, back on benefits, psychology at Bolton uni, a summer on benefits again. Finally came the time for me to move into halls here at the University of Salford which is really what I have been working towards all this time, but being here at uni has made me even more body concious as I am now surrounded by attractive people my age. At the point of moving into Halls my weight had dropped to 14.6 stone, I considered that to be an amazing achievement and was proud of the way I looked, I quickly discovered that I wasn't finished shrinking.

Since the middle of September, to the date of posting this blog I have continued to lose weight and am now 13.5 stone, I have lost over a stone in the space of two months. I attribute this amazing turn of events to three simple facts:

1: It is easier and cheaper to snack on fruit, and drink water of course.
2: Walking everywhere is amazing exercise.
3: I hate being in the kitchen of my house, it is always filled with dirty pots.

Add all of these up and you get the perfect concoction for a thinner Sye, I am still uncertain whether I like this new body of mine but it certainly is easier on the eyes. I feel slightly more confident... who am I kidding, I have even started wearing white shirts now (see pictures below) and it is generally easier to move around. I have decided that I am going to ride this bout of body positive and see where it will take me, I will achieve this by sticking to a few light lifestyle changes.

Ok ok, I'll admit it. I look quite good now!

Food
First of all, lets see what I had a lot of before: Take out, sweets and chocolate, fizzy drinks, fast food... not at all a good healthy diet. Of course, I haven't stopped eating those things, and the desire to eat them is still there. However, here at Salford they are not as convenient, taking into consideration my position (there are a few take-out places nearby, but lets strike that for a moment) and my funds as a student, almost all of the foods mentioned above become impractical. Take-out becomes none existent, sweets and chocolate become a few almond flapjacks a week, fizzy drinks have been removed from the picture (which is the strangest thing, considering those above all else I would have said I couldn't live without) and fast food... well actually I do still have a McDonald's once a week, and subway for lunch on Friday. The most important switch is water, I replace all of my out-and-about drinks with water and that is a rather big chunk of my GDA. That and swapping unhealthy snacks like sweets and crisps, for healthier snacks like apples and flapjacks (shut up, I like flapjacks!)

Exercise
As I mentioned above, I walk everywhere! I recently treated myself to a 'sensible coat' as a friend of my put it, it is essentially a padded waterproof with a good strong hood and plenty of pockets, this is all well and good but I still need a pair of decant walking boots to make sure my feet are taken care of. I have discovered the joy of daily exercise, not in the gym or any of that nonsense, but in the uni swimming pool! I love swimming, it is the kind of exercise that I don't actually consider exercise because I'm having a lot of fun doing it. Everyday my morning routine is: get up at 9am, breakfast and coffee then set off for the pool at 9:30, arrive around 9:50, changed and in the swimming pool for 10am, make myself tired in the arms, legs, abs and boobs then head for the jacuzzi hot bath at 10:20, finish winding down, have a nice hot shower and be changed and ready to move by 11. Mondays and Fridays lessons start at 12, Tuesdays at 11:30 and Thursdays at 3:30 so I can actually fit swimming in everyday, which I usually do. I also do cheer leading with the girls on Tuesdays and Thursdays which is not only a good workout for my muscles (particularly the upper body muscles) but also helps with my...

Flexibility
... that's right! When I was younger I was quite flexible, this came in handy in lots of different ways, it helped me learn how to swim, allowed me to fit into small and unusual spaces, made me the fastest tree climber in Wigan, gave me something interesting to do at parties and helped me freak out my class mates at school.The fatter I got the less flexible I was for obvious reasons but now, as I get thinner, all this flexibility is returning to me but I need to keep at it. In Movement class and also in cheer leading we do some intense stretches which will help me get back some of that natural flexibility that I once had, which will not only help me do the things I used to do but also help me with such things as dancing.

Upkeep and Training
I do want to be a performer, and one thing which is vital for performance on the stage or infront of a camera is making sure that I am as diverse as I possibly could be. In movement I have been learning a number of warm-ups and stretches to keep me flexible and increase my body and spacial awareness. In voice class I have been learning how to open up the rebervating cavities of my diaphram, and learning how sound is created in different parts of the body. Part of my daily routine now is stretching, spinal workouts and voice exercises which are designed not only to keep these aspects of me subtle and active, but also stretch me to my limits and beyond. The more I practice, the greater vocal range, stronger more toned muscles, subtle limber body and spacial awareness I will have.

The Little Things
As men, and anything else masculine, we are controlled from an early age into thinking that certain activities are restricted to certain genders. I am beginning to experiment with some of the taboo's that males have about such things as manicures and pedicures, proper therapeutic shaving (which Antony has touched on before), waxing, plucking, scrubbing and ex foliating and the like which most masculine manly men either avoid, or deny themselves. It is assumed by most men that all of these things are done simply for the purpose of making a woman look good, but in most cases this isn't so. For example, shaving is an obvious choice because the more time and effort you put before, during and after the shave the less irritation and closer shave you will get. Manicures are fantastic as stopping sores developing on the tips of fingers and the skin at the side of finger nails (which I get constantly through biting my nails) and to help those who have rough skin get more moisture into their hands and have a nice soft touch. All of these things not only have a practical sense but also go towards making you feel better in some way, both physically and psychologically (in most cases) and there's nothing like a good soak of the old feet!

Over the next few months to christmas I will try and keep you updated on how I am doing with my new routine. If I find it too hard, stressful or if it becomes something that I really don't enjoy then I will simply stop. Like I said at the beginning of the article, I am still uncertain whether I like this new more streamlined body. I can feel the bones in my arse now, and I have not noticed a change in how how I always feel hot (which I chalked down to the extra layer of flab I used to carry over my muscles.) Also remember that based on my height, I am still half a stone into the 'overweight' category, the very middle of the ideal wieght for my size (according to the chart at www.slimmingworld.com) is roughly in between 11.5 and 12 stone which is still over a stone and a half away. What I may do is continue on my path of a healthy lifestyle until I near that range, which at the rate I am going at should be just after Christmas or at the end of January. Anyway, this blog has gone on long enough I think, I shall post on my progress in a week or so.