Why I do not publish.

Some have mentioned to me that my blog is very interesting. while my rebuker may be that the blog's feature is me and therefore inherently uninteresting, I can recognise a compliment when I see one and am generous in my acceptance of it.

Someone might then go on to suggest that my blog is so interesting that I should consider advertising it to gain a larger reader-base. I have been known on occasion to pop the odd post onto facebook which might make something more convenient for me for example, instead of telling everyone how my first gig went, I simply post the link to the entry on my facebook. Or perhaps there is an issue I wish to confront and would have those who know me best enlightened to the subject in question (such as my post on cheerleading.)

The latter example probably received the most hits out of all the entries on my blog, in fact, I'll do a quick check on my stats thing...   ..yes, it did, 95 views and counting. If I were to put my finger on why, it would be that the subject matter was controversial, that there are many people on my facebook who wouldn't think there would be an issue with cheerleading and so might be overcome with curiosity, it could also be that because the issue is hotly debated in the cheerleading community it might have hit a certain amount of keyword filters for search engines.

All this is pretty much besides the point. Fact is, while I am pleased that people are reading the blog and getting to know a little more about who I am and what I am up to, I have dedicated myself to the idea that the blog is a journal. When I started it a number of years ago it was to replace my paper journals which had been going on since I was sixteen years old. While I may censor the more intimate and personal information from the blog, I have kept almost entirely true to it's original concept and this has in the past been to my detriment. I can recall one occasion when someone I know used the information I'd posted in one entry (the information regarding why I don't drink alcohol, and using a convenient excuse) against me. I was defenceless and I felt genuinely hurt, mainly because every person who reads the blog are privy to my innermost thoughts or unspoken secrets, and there is a level of trust that I assume on people when they read what I have to say. 

This honesty has recently proven to be the detriment in my real life relationships as well. I have lost friends due to my inability to keep my mouth shut when I have an issue. I've grown up with the mantra that children keep issues inside and bottle them up, and this causes problems further down the line when adults do it. This honesty and eagerness to settle any issue I might have has led to friction between me and people I care about, but it is still something I believe to be a decent way to settle any dispute or worry and continue to stand by my principles. If there is one thing I have come to hate since starting university, it's two-faced characteristics. Sometimes it's harmless, and there are times when I will indulge if I feel it would make the situation better, but I would never be so dishonest to someone whom I have a problem with. If I do not like you, and have a valid reason not to like you, then I will be civil when I have to but otherwise I will not mince my words. I won't smile and nod, and pretend everything is fine, I am not that kind of person. Don't get me wrong, I can, when it comes to being false I am a very good liar, but there is a difference between having the ability to act like everything is fine, and using it.

I am of course speaking of friendships, or of people I need to work with often. Passers by I am able to smile and nod to as you do, but this is not dishonest, it's just tactical socialising (remember, an argument with an idiot is a pointless argument, sometimes it is smarter to plaster on a false smile)...

I apologise, I rambled for a moment there. The point is, I am honest and open, and being honest and open means that I might say things that could offend others, so instead of publishing every post I make, I choose which to publish on Facebook for a specific reason. Getting hits isn't important to me, I don't care how many people read the blog or what they like in particular, the blog is for me, not my audience. I am a performer, if I want an audience, I get one: simple.

Maybe I am more aware of how vulnerable the blog makes me than I care to mention. Maybe I should eat my words, put my money where my mouth is and publish. Surely my friends, if they truly are my friends, will understand me anyway. Or maybe I am wrong, maybe I'm not as honest as I think I am. 

There are people in my life right now who do not appreciate what they have, and how lucky they are. Some I have mentioned this fact, others I haven't. Instead of telling people to look at their life from a few metres away, I should be asking them to do it themselves. So you have found yourself here, at the end of this blog entry after getting here from the very beginning (a very good place to start) after getting there from wherever you found yourself previously. I will ask you this.

Take a look at your life, I promise you things could be much worse. Appreciate what you have, don't be so hard on yourself.

And be honest.

Some GIFS I have amassed.

Ok so, I'm not sure how many of you are aware of Nerd Corner, a photo dump for all the random pictures I find which are funny, and attempt to share with others in an effort to make myself appear witty. Amongst the pictures are a number of GIFS which unfortunately do not run on facebook as they would normally on other websites, so here is a selection of some of my prize GIFS for you.

You might want to give these some time to load, I haven't included the entirety of my collection, it would be too much for your machine...

Wait for it...

My graphics tablet arrived. Looks like my plans for the summer are sorted!

A follow up

This is a follow up post, or rather a continuation of my earlier micro-essay on Cheerleading (Cheerleading, the case for.) It is a videeo covering the issues regarding the classification of high school Cheerleading in the USA (split in two parts.)

Please take the time to watch them even if Cheerleading isn't something you are interested in, it will change your opinion of us!

The As Yet Impossible Symposium

For today and tomorrow I have been and will be a volunteer facilitator for a symposium at the Lowry entitled The As Yet Impossible (TAYI)

TAYI is a two day event which is focusing on the future. The participants are a number of experts in their field which range from performance practitioners, artists, designers, animators, producers, scientists, physicists and so on. The overarching concept is to think of what we, as yet, cannot achieve by means which are available to us through technology.

Today's main focus seems to be how we can change what and how much we experience through our senses. What the future of our senses might be, what augments can we make to them. How our senses are effected when one is lost or disabled, how our senses can be tricked or employed in a different way. The exploration of these topics was done using none-typical means for what you might expect a symposium to use. A series of workshops ran throughout the day which delved into the subject of sense, art, technology, nature, the future, the present, society etc and there is more to come tomorrow.

My role today was to blog about what was going on, to (try and) consolidate the information being fed back to the central hub (where I was stationed) for publication online.

It was very difficult, I could tell from the information I was receiving that the session facilitators were witnessing an almost stream of conciousness as the academics discussed such complex topics. It was exciting to be there at a time when these ideas were in their infancy, and being discussed by the bright thinkers of their respective disciplines. Having the mix of scientists, creators, performers and so on in attendance meant we could discover new ideas in such succession, it made it hard to clearly get the information into print.

Tomorrow will be more focused on the future, on where we can go without technology and how we want, or whether we want it to augment or diminish how we interact with our us and our environment.

Follow the event on its blow, www.theasyetimpossible.wordpress.com where you can find the information from today and subsequent publication of information for the remainder of the event. You can also view live tweets from the event on its blog page, or on the page of the events tweeter, Hannah Nicklin.

Time to get it sorted: Build Upper Body Strength

Last year I was tickled pink. I wouldn't admit it then as I was trying to be casual and aloof about it, but I really was pleased about the state of my body. I spoke about it a few times last year. My weight has levelled off now, as I mentioned a month or so ago, and I am feeling a little dissatisfied again.

In my last post, I mentioned that I needed to build upper-body strength. While I may currently reside in a slimmer frame, it is not one which is capable of meeting all of my needs. I feel healthier, I can wear more layers which is a look I like going for once in a while, and I can generally go for longer in endeavours such as sport or physical theatre. I can also hold my breath for longer, like the sunshine a little more, get less heartburn than I used too, less back pain. Honestly the benefits of being my ideal weight outweigh the things I miss, such as playing with my belly when I got bored (which I sometimes still try to do) or having to wear less layers in the winter months and so on. My body is functional in that respect, but I need to work hard to make it more-so.

That is where my new Build Upper Body Strength plan comes in. Every week, or every fortnight depending on time restrictions I plan on updating the blog with my progress on building upper body strength which I will need for my Cheerleading, Gymnastics and to enhance my body confidence. I wasn't going to mention it, even though I have lost the puppy fat I am still not 100% about how my body looks. This is me doing something about that!..

The above is me, as of today. That is, as of about half an hour ago from writing this post. As you can see from the above images, my frame has taken a beating. You can see the stretch marks around my tummy and you might see them around my arms. I don't mind the stretch marks so much, but I find them a good reminder to myself not to over-indulge. Another thing you may notice is the love handles. Alas, these are the hardest things for men and women to get rid of when trying to improve their image through diet and excercise. A few people I know are quite to state when they though I looked ill when I'd finished losing weight. As ill as I ever looked, I'd never lost those bad boys.

My goals for Build Upper Body Strength are:

1. Increase the muscle mass on my chest, shoulders, back and arms.
   As you might see, there is the tiniest hint of definition in these muscles already. This is due to the lifting and pushing I do already in Cheer and gymnastic tumbling. If I am to be able to support my own body weight on my arms, and complete a chain of back-handsprings, I will need these muscles to be as lean as possible, at least lean enough to match my legs.
2. Get rid of my love handles
   These fuckers are gone. Seriously, their days are numbered. I don't know how to do it, I mean it's fat and fat is all the same, but I can't shift that shit for some reason. They will go though, mark my words!
3. Get an arse.
   Ok, so maybe this one is for vanity's sake. One of the areas I am uncomfortable with at the moment is the bottom of my bottom, the back of my front, the vertical smile. My skin stretched everywhere I used to carry weight. You can see this on my tummy, on my upper arms, and to an extent on my chest. You can't see it on my bum, but trust me when I tell you it's there, and it isn't pretty.  I am aiming for as much of a straight line as my hips will allow from the end of my ribcage to the start of my thighs. Somewhere in there I'd like to have a nice arse, so lets see what happens!

Let's keep it at that for now. Sometime soon, after I git the gym, rearrange my diet and work out some of the specifics of my new project, you will see pictures of my progress. I'm not foolish enough to believe that this will happen in a matter of weeks. My goal is pride, that is, the bank holiday weekend of August (just after my birthday.)

I have a holiday to Czech Republic in the first half of August which I am sure you will hear about. It's a sports/cheer holiday so it's not as if I won't be getting exercise then, but hopefully at that point I'll have accomplished most of my goals.

Wish me luck!

The whole year through: 2010

Happy new year everyone.

Every year I like to make one post which tries to bring everything together and evaluate the year. This was the year of 2010. I think the biggest thing to mention this year is that I bit the bullet and did something I as meaning to do and looking forward to trying since deciding to enter the field of performance.

Stand up.

After a bit of a shaky start I found that there is nothing that I have experienced (so far) which quite equates to the joy of making someone laugh, and having the opportunity to do that on stage in front of a willing audience is the highlight of my year. I had a wonderful time on the comedy circuit as an Open Spot, and learned things that have pushed me much further as a performer than I would have from Uni alone.

Alas, as much as I love performing stand-up and making people laugh, the downsides of the comedy circuit tar the otherwise wonderful experience. Bitchy comics, horrible promoters, the input/output ratio, the time and energy put behind the scenes. Most open spots will call me lazy and say my heart isn't in it but you know what? Its not. My heart isn't in it, and I will admit that. If my heart WAS in it, then I would already have gigs lined up every week by now. I performed stand-up from January to May and in that time totted up 15 gigs, I watched forums like a hawk, snapped opportunities from promoters and attended as much comedy as I could afford outside of my studies and I think three gigs a month average is a cracking first try considering the demand for spots. You may have noticed that sounds cocky and self confident, well;it is. I learned something important on the circuit which is great advice to give and hard to follow: Confidence is key. Yeah, I'm still shit by professional standards or paid standards and my problem when I was an Open Spot is taking that too harshly. I'm SUPPOSED to be shit, everyone is when they start out. Fact of the matter is, my shit to good gig ratio was leaning very close to good, if I wasn't such a delicate flower/arsehole I would be able to see that my problem isn't what others think of me, its what I allow them to make me feel. Until I learn that I can be shit in front of a crowd and survive to tell the tale, as I have done, I do not belong on the circuit and that includes giving stand-up my all.

Having said that, I plan on returning, and doing bits and bobs here and there. There is nothing better for learning stage craft than stand-up comedy, mark my words!

Well, thats pretty much half the year right there. After May I started my long-haul through summer. I planned on learning how to drive but unfortunately that never came to pass. Even though I had nothing to do, I found myself far too busy to sort out driving lessons. Again, I think its the idea that my heart wasn't truly in it and I therefore didn't put as much effort into it. I can only hope from here on in I take heed that my heart needs to be in more of the things that I need to get done! I have found I am very good at putting things off, and this is something I hope to tackle in the new year.

When Uni started back up, I was inspired! As you may be aware, at the beginning of each semester I have a large project to complete and in September of last year my work group and I began work on "Fear" which you can read all about at your leisure. That project taught me a valuable lesson: I love being busy and hate being bored. Also I learned that busyness in most forms reaps its own rewards whether that be making new comics, reading interesting books, watching television or going out with friends. Busy is good, busy is fun and adventurous, busy makes life go forward.

Speaking of which, my social life has been a boom this year. Friends of mine on facebook can attest to seeing me appear in more places on more profiles with friends on evenings out and at events. I think this is particularly true of those on my course. You don't go through what we go through together without forming an understanding relationship. I am so grateful to know these people. While studying at Bolton University, my very wise friend and excellent lecturer Albert Phipps told me that in university I would make friends that will be with me for the rest of my life, and I truly believe this. Even the idiots make life more interesting, my life has been enriched so much from being in that environment that I am now considering a move to Manchester full time (this is something I will need to do a lot of thinking on though.)

I gained another nephew this year of course, Alex who is just smashing. He is quite quirky and makes strange noises, mostly grunts. Aaron is a clever little shit, picks things up faster than his father and is a wonderfully cheeky chappy, butter wouldn't melt in his mouth. Jayden, well, he is developing into quite a sweet young man, he still isn't using English yet but he is certainly developing his own interesting language at a rate I am struggling to keep up with/

Lets finish on a hot topic of mine the past few years: health. I think my last report online was that I weighed in at 12 stone. I am roughly 12 stone at the moment, but I must say that I am on average over the past few months 11 to 11.5 stone, having gained half a stone since the Christmas holidays started.

I am looking better for it I think, particularly since I've been going to the gym this year and have managed to bulk up my arms and chest, as well as my stomach. The loose skin is and I fear will always be present on my body but its something I am going to learn to live with, I don't particularly want a large amount of muscle but as I am slowly turning into a 'good looking man' I need to consider the possibility that this is a role I may be asked to play. This in turn may lead me to need a 'good looking body' which fashion dictates is not one covered in stretch marks and loose skin. Don't think for one second that is the reason I am toning up, the main reason is that I want more strength to be able to perform very well in physical theatre and dance, I also want to feel better about the way I look. If I get a part as a handsome man who gets his kit off, well, I'll be ready for it. In other news, while we are on the subject of my image, I got my hair cropped to mid length. Reviews are favourable but naturally I want my old hair back as soon as possible which is usually the case.

That it I think. I haven't covered the whole year, but then this is the first time I think in the history of these posts were the review has been almost immediately after the end of the old year. I will soon be posting a reflection on last years resolutions, and beginning this years so stay tuned!

A thought on females.

Recently I have been thinking about friendships, I won't go into detail about what brought it up but I have been home for the festive holidays for a few weeks now and had time to take stock of my friends here and my friends over in Salford. Of all my friendships in the past, my most precious friends are still here in Wigan. This isn't to say that I haven't made some amazing friends in Salford, but you don't build relationships in two years like the ones I have with my friends over my lifetime.

However, I believe there are different catagories of friends, and that they can be catagorised in different ways. For exmaple one way in which I recognise where I am upto on the frienship train is how far I am willing to go with that friend. That doesn't mean anything sexual in this context (I have recently found, that side of things is an entirely different kettle of fish) but in a way that actually extends outside of my comfort zone. For example, I know I am safe with my friends here in Wigan, but sometimes I don't want to be safe, I want adventure. If I am feeling adventurous, I will call on some of the fantastic friends I've made at Salford. There is something to be said about common ground in relationship building. I have had some amazing experiences while at university most of which have involved hard work. You don't go through a month's worth of intesive theatre work with a group of people, without developing a friendship which goes beyond face value (or I like to think so.)

I am allowing myself to get a little side tracked because I like talking about positive things, but in my musings I have come to realise that a trend has has been forming over the past few years which makes me feel uncomfortable.

Straight women treat gay men like toys.

I generalise for emphasis which is perhaps wrong of me, but whatever, its my blog. I understand that there is a link to my blog on my Facebook and am fully aware that there is a (very, very slim) chance of some of my very dear female friends seeing this and assuming the worst, so I feel before I justify what I say I should iterate that I am not meaning to be offensive and I love my friends dearly, but I am speaking from experience and cannot be more honest than this.

I can think of three four distinct situations when I have been dropped for a straight man. These are situations were the girl in question would supplement me for their boyfriend and then near cut off all ties and drop the things that even distant friends would do to spend time with their new partner. Before, they would insist I was the best thing in their life. We would go out or stop in together in the evenings, hang out, sleep over, do lunch, talk (alot) and share, share everything, all our worries and insecurities, we would reassure ourselves and support each other. Make each other laugh, be the best thing since sliced bread! The friendship would develop quickly and seem like an endless summer.

Then, inevitably, the summer would end. They find someone.

Your replacement.

"This happens all the time Sye" I would hear you say, were we having a quaint brew in the kitchen of my university accommodation (try it with a dash of cinnamon, its so festive!) I agree, it does. It does happen all the time to friends everywhere regardless of age or gender or sexuality, but not to me. To me, it happens when I get close to straight women, and only then. I have never experienced any of my male friends ditching all else for their partner. I'm not talking 'going out one night less a month' or 'not meeting me for lunch,' I mean dropped, like a dead pet. In once case, the girl went so far as to fully cut off all ties with me, after I was an incredibly good friend to her (as much as a friend can be, short of giving her a kidney.)

Of course I am far too good natured, kind, and otherwise generally not wanting to hurt the person I care about to mention this. "Oh by the way, you've forgotten all about me so thanks, but have fun in your new long term relationship" isn't the nicest thing to have to deal with, and more importantly it makes any apology following to mean absolutely nill. Talking about it to the person serves no purpose except to remind them what they have lost.It hurts every time, it doesn't matter that it happens all the time because its still painful to invest so much in a friendship, to have it all snatched away simply because the girl doesn't seem capable to split her focus.

Actually, its unfortunate in that sense. I like to think of myself as a good judge of character (even when people are clearly two faced or dishonest, it doesn't take me too long to get their number... practice I guess.) If I do make friends with a girl, I am slightly more arms length if she is a straight female who is single. Well, I always think I would like to be, but I am far too friendly for this to work. Perhaps this is another angle of dishonesty.

So to the girls who have loved and lost me I say this: Be happy, please. Please be happy with your new Sye, the one who can give you sex. Please make it work if things go bad and please don't be upset if things go worse than bad.

Because I won't be there when its over.

Email from accommodation...

________________________________________
From: Accommodation [Accommodation@salford.ac.uk]
Sent: 23 November 2010 14:49
To: [Sye] (UG); [Sye's email address]
Subject: Candles in rooms

DearMr [Sye]

On completing our recent room checking exercise, it was noted that there is a candle present within your room.  Your resident contract sets out your obligations and section 7Y clearly states that candles will not be used.  Because of this Health & Safety implication, your room has not been marked as Acceptable. A further room check will take place and, as long as the candles have been removed, your room will be marked as accepted.

Apart from the candle being present, your room was absolutely fine.

I hope you can support our concerns with students burning candles within their room and recognise the potentially serious health and safety implications.

Thank you

Site Services Assistants




________________________________________
________________________________________




Dear Site Services Assistant(s)

I apologise for my discretion in keeping a censer in my halls. I don't know what I was thinking, it must have been a moment of sheer madness, particularly given the dangerous nature of a covered tea light. I will of course remove the candle right away.

However, the censer's purpose is to mask the stale damp smell, I assume this is from the previous occupant as I do not think the walls are thick enough to conceal any dead bodies or rotten vegetables (I am not an engineer so feel free to correct me on this, again I apologise.) I understand completely that a candle in my halls is a high risk to all concerned, but the smell is bothersome. Almost to the point which I am willing to submerge my head almost entirely in water during my time in my room. I was considering adding some of my scented oil to the water, but this would probably make my hair greasy.

Is there a secret method unbeknownst to me to rid my halls of the smell of that 'foot-and-mouthy' musk? The censer does the trick without being overpowering and I only ever use it when I am both in my halls and awake, but as this is against the rules (again, I apologise) I will need to think of something else. Any suggestions are more than welcome, Cheers!

Kind regards,
- Sye Watts.

Dear man-across-the-road-from-me

Please do not leave your blind up when you are returning to your room from the shower. If you insist on carrying on with this behaviour, then please refrain from removing your towel before securing some sort of visual block aid between your genitals and my eyes.

I appreciate that this was simple an instance of coincidence. I was glancing down at your block of flats, you were de-robing in the vulnerable position of having returned from the wash room, presumably squeaky clean (although I didn't have my glasses on so, who knows.) It has not happened since, but I am somewhat nervous to look out of the window now as 'peeping tom' is not one of my many alias' and I intend to keep it that way.

It isn't that I do not find you attractive. Of course you are a little larger than the demographic would demand, but I find that oddly endearing in a person. Also you have a cute face. However, while I may sound hypocritical to those who know me, I am not one for glasses. A body without a name or a face or a laugh or a personality to it is nice, but it would have to be very nice indeed to justify a vigil at my window to catch a glimpse of you giving it all you've got, 'upfront.' If we cross eyes in the street at some point, I will not embarrass you by mentioning the incident. I am sure it sticks in your mind as much as it does mine. Feel free to introduce yourself at any point, it would be nice to put a voice and a name to the body, all of it. I feel our brief interlude shall simply have to remain a fleeting glance between the two halls containing us over the void of grass and earth between.

Good luck in your endeavours, and I hope to 'see' you under better circumstances sometime.

Regards
- Sye

PS: Tell the guy that lives two doors from you to the right, he is allowed to take his top off and dance around a little. As long as his blind is up, and I have my glasses on.

Is it time to change?

Life seems to be running much faster these days.

In the past month I have finished my theatre project (which, to be honest with you, I really can't be bothered reviewing. It was a wonderful experience and it went very well, it was a success, and I am happy to have done it.) Been out around Manchester of an evening, and been to a house party. To the average person my age this may seem normal, or at least as normal as student life should get, but I think you reading this will know that for me, this is out of character.

I think that is a very important word in this context, character. I have had a wonderful time with my course mates, and consider them good friends, but the things I have been doing seem very unlike me. I have been enjoying myself though, which can only be a good thing, so is it that it in fact IS like me to do these things but have never had the chance? Sure I would go out with friends around Wigan, we would go to the pub, then a club afterwards, and as I don't drink I'd leave somewhere around the 12pm mark, which is usually the point in which things start to get boring for me.

Is not drinking inhibiting me? I get mixed reactions from people whom hear me say 'I don't drink' the first of which is usually 'Why?' I don't know why I don't drink! Sometimes its easier to say 'Oh, I have a stomach problem' (which I do, called Helicobacter Pylori which basically causes severe heartburn at the drop of a hat, but is controlled by medication) because the sympathy vote is a much nicer reaction than that of disgust or condescension.

What alcohol does is very simple. In your head are a number of controllers, lets take for example Freud's id, ego and super ego stuff. The ID is everything you want to do, its your pleasure centre, it only wants the good stuff and none of the bad stuff and is essentially your inner caveman (if I can use such a vulgar term.) Ego is the sly devil who appeases the ID in way which satifies it, but also looks after you in the context of reality, so your Ego will seek pleasure for ID while making sure you stay out of trouble in the long run. Superego is the rules you know to be true, such as morality and law and all that gaff, so it informs the Ego and suppresses the more destructive parts of the ID, call it your conscience (again, vulgar term, don't quote me but you get the idea.) When your brain consumes alcohol, it turns off Superego and fucks Ego up, leaving you with a sort of semi-functioning understanding of the rules of reality, and an overwhelming desire for pleasure. It turns off the voice in your head which says 'This is why you shouldn't do this' and essentially flips your personality from everything you wouldn't do for whatever reason (and they would be down to your character) to doing whatever because you have no inhibitions.

You can probably imagine why I might be apprehensive about alcohol. Not only do I have a stupidly strong desire to please others, and feel painful guilt when I think I have let someone down, but there are also a lot of things I would never say or do, but which I would sure as hell like to. In this sense I am generally a dishonest person, oh sure I wouldn't lie in the sense of misleading people, but a lie of omission is still a lie. There are quite a few people I am attracted to on my course which is fine, because I am human, but being the person that I am I know I would l never do anything that might ruin a friendship, I value that much much more. Lets not forget that I am really weird when it comes to things like being touched, which I am trying my fucking hardest to get over, because it makes me feel so shit when I can't get involved with horseplay and such, all because of my fucked up head.

At the party last night, I was there from about 10pm till 2am, and I genuinely had a good time. I am still honest with my feelings, and so when people ask 'Are you having fun' I will answer honestly, and when I say 'Not really' I know its time to shake my ass home (rather than stay and bring everyone else down.) I know I am not very good meeting too many new people at once, or when I am in a situation with friends and there is a new person, I am quite shy really, and its taken me a while to put my finger on that. So the party carried on and everyone was having a good time, getting drunk, there was some weed smoking I think, and I was enjoying myself until something clicked in my head.

I think it was when I was sat down, in the room with the music, and watching some of the people there dancing. Some I knew well, some I didn't know as well but I still considered friends. I remember thinking 'I wish I had friends like these' and this internal dialogue started to play out...

'But these are my friends'

'I want to play too'

'Then why don't I'

...and that was it. I didn't have an answer. Why don't I join in? I'm sure I am invited to, as much as any of the others. What is wrong with me? I don't think I am above it, in fact if clowning has taught me anything its that being beneath it is much more fun. Is it because I am sober? I don't think so, but then I wouldn't know because I'm not drunk. Why can't I stop fucking THINKING about this shit and just do it?

Is it my character?

My character. I have constructed it, for better or worse. Sye is a conscious character, but a character none the less. We all wear masks, every one of us. We hide behind them, we are naked without them, in fact I am of the opinion that I have only ever been without some sort of mask when I was younger. When I was Simon.

This may sound Odd, but there was a change in me when I came out. I left high school as most people did, at 16. As soon as I left, I came out gay. From then on I had a confidence I could never muster in school due to bullying, and as a symbol of that transition to the new, funny, outgoing confident guy I had become, I took on the nickname, the mantra of Sye. The name isn't important mind, it was the definitive split between what I was and what I was going to be (so I thought.) Many people have the same transition, and its not just a gay thing, people have this transition in their first relationship, after losing their virginity, after their first night wasted at a party, they shrug off what it was that they were for a new, more socially acceptable and presumably confident lifestyle.

Maybe I haven't shrugged everything off. Maybe this social awkwardness and weariness of intimacy is that bullied little boy finding himself in deep water and unable to swim.

Its times like this when I thank god for the friends that I have.

I sometimes find myself lying to fit in. just little white lies which are nothing special. I've never done drugs, although I have tried smoking and, although an interesting sensation, I didn't get any benefit from it. I have never been in a romantic relationship, although I imagine there are many people with boyfriends or girlfriends who couldn't call their relationship romantic. Probably one of the reasons I feel so out of place and awkward is because all of these things happen around me, and I feel I need to justifying myself to be accepted (its easy for me to say that this isn't the case, but if I am honest, I am as susceptible to peer pressure as anyone else, and this is exactly what it is.)

I always had the belief that I love my friends far more than they love me, simply because I need them more. I was saying to someone recently, one trait within my family is that we all crave to be needed. We want people to be able to rely on us and in doing so, we justify our friendships.

Hmm, I think I have proven that I can talk on and on about this topic. I think its because I am looking for answers as much as informing you, the reader, of what it is I have already found. I will say this though; If you are my friend, and I have quite a few at the point, know that I love you. I love you, and you have me at your disposal because of that love, should you ever need me I will do my honest best to make your life easier, and make you smile. You are the best person at being who you are, and for that reason you are surrounded by those who love you, and this includes me.

You do not need to love me, you are not responsible for my happiness and I do not want you to worry about me.

Just be there. Be there and be you, that is all I ask.

† After proof reading this, I can see it has a certain 'Oh my life is shit, why am I such a dick head' tone to it. I am not looking for attention or sympathy here, please don't feel obligated to give me either. its the reason I will leave a room if I think I'm being a social hermit. My problems are my problems as with others and theirs. I write them down because it helps me understand myself sometimes.

I write them online because its cheaper than buying a diary, and its essentially an easy attempt at being more open about myself.

"Fear" workshop, final preperation day and first scripting session.

Today began as it meant to go on; promisingly. I find myself willingly waking up earlier and earlier as today I got up at around 8am, bright eyed and bushy tailed. I love winter mornings, I love winter in general actually, and so getting a lung full of fresh air as I make the morning stroll to uni is a wonderful wake-up call.

We continued this morning with the hybrid video/theatre piece, refining it as we hadn't had a chance to yesterday. We spent the morning scripting and shooting it, meaning we were able to get eye lines and back-and-forth dialog going much smoother and more refined. We didn't manage to perform the video in the end due to a mix-up with the rooms, but I am certainly proud of what we managed to accomplish. There was a little bit of a tiff involving a member of the group, but in general it didn't really effect the rest of the day. I was disappointed however, because if you have been keeping up, in my last post I mentioned one of the things which I really liked about this project was the camaraderie and the coming together of a successful ensemble. This seems to have been dashed, and whereas I am rather angry at what happened and the way it played out, I am professional and am treating this as just another bump in the road. We will all continue to work together, and will simply chose to associate with those we get on with outside of the projects time (you can probably tell I am somewhat peeved at what went on, but I'll leave it there.)

After lunch was a lovely long discussion whereby we began to discuss the narrative of the piece as a performance. I was really pleased at how we were able to bring the weeks worth or research material collecting into this one large discussion and highlight exactly how much we have managed to do in just a week.

We first discussed what we had done, day by day. We spoke about what it was in those particular studies that we found interesting and wanted to experiment with, and keep in the performance in whatever way it works out to be. We then spoke about methods in which we can apply what came as a result of research

I have never taken part in the division of a performance piece and was really pleased and excited at the progress we made. It wasn't dull or time wasting as such planning meetings can be (from previous experience) and actually I think we all had an equal amount of input, or rather the ones with a lot of ideas were able to inspire the people with few ideas, meaning we were able to share in the creation process. I understand that we are still a while away from a final piece, but the layer's and layer's this piece has already received gives me such hope that the end result will be an amazing piece of theatre, and a project I will be proud to have been a part of.

I'll be honest with you. I was going to write a rant about professionalism and good nature and all the things I am trying to master at university (in regards to the tiff which happened earlier today) but as I cannot be sure that parties involved are not reading the blog, I will not indulge myself. Also, even though it really made me angry at the whole situation (as it did involve me, and it shouldn't have) at the end of the day it didn't detract from the headway we made, and actually, it was probably just a bit of attention seeking in the case of the party involved, so I am better not rising to it*.

When you are angry, the best thing to say, is nothing at all (advice I did well to follow this afternoon.)

*When writing this, I was still going over the events of the day. It is now Sunday of the week after when I have access to the internet, and the events which this post details have since been resolved to the satisfaction of the group.

Cheerleading*, the case for.

Victoria Coren and Tony Parsons have recently written articles in the Guardian and Mirror respectively on what they think about Cheerleading.

Both seem to be jumping on some sort of anti-cheerleading bandwagon whom are only supported by their small fanbase, but even their arguements against cheerleading (for some reason, the fact that people enjoy cheerleading upsets them) are ludicrously personally bias and based on missguided assumptions from what they see on American TV.

Cheerleading is not a sport reserved entirely for pretty young girls. It is not something which is there purely for the entertainment of men, or the sexual gratification at the expense of the respect and dignity of the performers, because that is exactly what they are, performers. Its interesting where the definition is drawn between what is for the perverse pleasure of others and what is simply an appropriate thing to wear (they are usually pleasant to look at, eye catching, are breathable and generally allow for movement.) A cheerleader wearing a short skirt with shorts underneath and a long sleeve top is quite clearly a slut, whereas a swimmer wearing little more than a smile is an athlete...

Pictured: Acceptable sporting attire

Of course, this is only the case for women, which aforementioned journalists seem happy to comment on while ignoring the other side of the coin. I am tackling one side of the argument because of the lack of research these so called hournalists have put into the latter of their argument, that it is not a real sport. Men do real sports, right? Why can't women do real sports like football or rugby? Men are oppressing them, and so they are forced or voodoo-mind controlled into thinking that dancing for them in skimpy outfits while waving pompoms is as good as any other sport, the fools, damn those pesky men!...

Stop objectifying these cheerleaders!

The arguments of these opinionated media whores simply do not take into account that men and young men are involved in this sport, maybe not to the extent of women, but enough to merit a difference for an all girl, mixed, and all male stunting groups.

While we are on the subject of stunts, lets try and tackle this 'Its not a sport' issue. A report in 2008 discovered that cheerleading is the most dangerous sport for women (in America) and as it is the American style of cheerleading which is catching on fast. I have just found the following video of what has been going on this past year in America, and remember that cheerleading is nowhere near the scale over here as it is over there, but we are pushing to better outselves in this way and the techniques are often emulated...

Not Pictured: Sport...

...lets take a look at what is considered a sport:

• Angling
• Arm wrestling 
• Ballooning 
• Billiards 
• Bowls
• Clay pigeon shooting 
• Curling
• Darts 
• Folk dancing
• Health and beauty exercise
• Lawn tennis
• Life saving
• Orienteering
• Pool
• Skateboarding
• Skipping
• Snooker
• Yoga [source]

He's been training all his life!

Say what you want about cheerleading, but then next time I see the national Yoga championships take away people in stretchers for breaking large amounts of themselves, I'll eat my hat. Fact is, people do not know what cheerleading is, which is fine, hell I don't know the ins and outs of professional skipping, but that doesn't mean I launch feminist tirades or ignorant diatribes against it. So the clothing is a little shorter than a kimono, that's means that it is exploiting young girls? So there is dance and chanting involved, that means it is less a sport than something involving a ball? I pity those who cannot break their preconceptions. I imagine these people don't try yoga because its just a bunch of stretching and breathing, or that they think that its only a sport if there is an international cup to be won.

Try it, then tell us its not a sport.

*I am aware that in English, Cheer Leading is a two word phrase, but I use Cheerleading for the sake of arguement.

A video the Cheer Leaders and I made at "Mexican Night"...

First, watch this...

...then this..

A story to reflect upon.

Just over a week ago my mother told me that for my Grandma's birthday we had been invited to a meal. My Grandma is a sprightly seven hundred years old and doesn't look a day over seventy two. Normally due to relations between my Dad and Grandma not being all what you would hope such a relationship to be, our side of the family are not asked along to these events (at least not I nor my father and older brothers) but I think they needed space to fill and I was a bum for an witting or unwitting seat.

The restaurant was an Italian place in Blackrod. Most of the family on my mothers side remained in or around Aspull (being where my Mum and her family grew up) with only my mother moving away to Worsley Mesnes with the rest of the scum. I should say that I am not bitter about relations amongst my family, we all love each other very dearly and although we may poke fun, the jocularity is just that, and I am very glad to be invited to such events, as I was with this one. I also don't want you thinking that my mothers side of the family consider themselves of higher status or bluer blood, we went to a posh Italian restaurant on a Friday evening because there was an offer on which would my my tight fisted Grandma happy, it was her birthday after all.

We all sat down to peruse the menu and pick our starters. There were my two Aunts, two husbands and five cousins (and two boyfriends of the former,) my Uncle with his wife and their four kids, my Mother, myself and of course, my Grandma. They had two vegetarian options, one being fried cheese and the other being breaded mushrooms. Both of these did not appeal to me as I am neither a fan of cheese or garlic (which the mushrooms were smothered in.) So naturally I took a look at the fish options and found there to be Prawn Cocktail, and 'Whitebait.'

Well, you reading this may be more in the know than I, who was at a loss as to what Whitebait could be. I surmised it was fish (that University education not going to waste) but there are plenty other fish in the sea as they say and some are more fish-like than others.

So here I was, at the cross roads. Do I take the safe, reliable and generally pleasing Prawn Cocktail in Marie Rose Sauce. This of course being something I enjoy and seldom get to eat or prepare myself, or do I be adventurous, live outside the box, a rebel of the restaurant, throw caution to the wind, be devil may care, to hell in a hand basket and order this peculiar but peculiarly alluring Whitebait. Why would I even consider ordering something which I had no clue of? This isn't Sye... Then again, University is an adventure. Stand-up comedy was an adventure. Moving out was an adventure. Look where all my adventures have led me, the people I've met, the amazing things I've experienced all through taking the bull by the horns. This is what 'Whitebait' represented, it was my freedom, my vice, everything I had denied myself and both strived for and feared in equal and insurmountable measure. It was my Everest, my catwalk, my prime time début. It was stepping outside of myself and living outside of the box known as safe, from which all of my most treasured experiences birth.

"Dovrò bianchetti per favore" I said, "I'll have the Whitebait."...

...I could have died.

These poor little darling fish were looking up at me, accusatory even in death. Their little faces twisted in rictus as the look of pure terror and innocence forever shone from their now mortified, deathly staring eyes. I sat there, equipped with knife and fork in each hand with my mouth as open wide as the fish on the plate, with the same look of horror and an overwhelming feeling of guilt. I know I didn't kill them, I know I was not the one to the deep fry them in a jacuzzi of vegetable fat and indignity, I know I was not the one to serve them with a wedge of lemon, some side salad and the hope of a long and happy uneventful life. I had chosen adventure, and was presented with my reward.

"This is finer living!?" I thought, "This is the upper echelon at its peak!?" Of course it isn't, they probably spend slightly more than what we did particularly in light of the offer we took advantage of. But have no fear, the delights of my family were on hand to rectify the situation. My aunts husband, my uncle I suppose, swapped his starter for mine. I was eating deep fried Camembert and loving every bite of it, albeit guiltily considering my uncle then forewent a starter and settled for picking from other people (which I was fully prepared to do, though of course when the offer of an alternative starter came up I went for it.)

There we have it, I picked adventure and lucked out. I will leave you to take from this story what you want and to draw your own conclusions but I will finish on this note; I had a wonderful night, I found that I like 'Deep fried Camembert' very much, and my Grandma enjoyed her birthday.

Did I make the wrong choice in being adventurous? That's up to you. I will be adventurous next time though, because what's life without a little of the unknown.

Back to school.

That time has rolled up once again, my second year of University starts later this month, and I cannot wait! The downs not withstanding from last years first year, the ups are something I am certainly looking forward to repeating.

Lets see if I can enumerate the Ups and Downs for your clarifical delights...

Ups

• Meeting some great people and making a heap of new friends
• Giving stand-up comedy a go
• Moving out and finding my feet (sort of)
• Learning a load of neat things such as the ins and outs of camera work, media analysis and voice
• Trying a load of neat things, such as video production, mask work and clowning
• Getting involved with Comedy Sportz Manchester
• Becoming a cheer leader
• Being involved with Beyond the Front Line
• Finding my bliss
• Being financially 'better off'
• Living in Manchester
• Losing weight and becoming fitter/healthier...

There are a lot there but actually I feel the list is too short, its missing something, it is incomplete or otherwise without. I suppose its the feeling of being a student, and everything that word entails whether that be fighting the stereotype of the student or embracing the lifestyle it engenders. There were downs though, I am not trying to rose tint your picture here as there certainly were things which took the shine from an otherwise perfect experience...

Downs

• Sharing a house with eleven people, most of whom horrible, horrible people
• Being, or having the feeling of being overlooked, or 'passed over'
• Getting passes in everything, when I am capable of so much more (and in some cases feel I did so much more)
• Not trying as hard as I know I could have
• Missing classes due to the lecturer being absent, and not per suing the matter for reimbursement
• Not making an effort to with people who could be closer friends than they are now...

I admit, that last one is something that I think we all suffer from, I certainly don't just regret it from Uni but from most situations I find myself. We all wear masks you see, I sometimes need to lower my barriers and just simply be with people as I am, and not try to impress people or be overtly polite to avoid offending them. Or act as naive as I do, because I know that is something I do a lot. I generally do believe there is a silver lining to every cloud, and in trying my hardest to be positive I am serving my friends and colleagues to the best of my ability but I regret that in some instances people want more than that.

In retrospect, its actually the people I spoke to in earnest that I consider closer than other in my year. Its the people I let my guard down to, even slightly, and shared my frustration with. It was that communal frustration, that agreement of nuances that brought us together and actually if it weren't for the fact that I am such a dowdy spinster and have some intimacy and trust issues I would probably be sharing a house now with some of them, lounging on the couch eating ice cream in the lap of a friend while we watch a zombie film or have some chill out music on.

I think I will aim for that this year. I have already made a list of the things I want to accomplish, and while I will append this to the end of it I won't go and add it to my original list, as the thought process is as important as the decision. I have said many times to many people, I often prefer the journey to the destination.

A quick note to say...

Happy birthday to me...  in one hour. I will be twenty three, the dreaded Twenty Three!

I just want to scream!

I am so frustrated, I want to yell at the top of my voice!

I am not one to be dramatic most of the time but I am feeling such a stress of doing nothing. People often assume that a holiday whether forced or not is a good thing, perhaps not for financial reasons but certainly as respite for the mind, but this one has gone on long enough. I am chewing my laptop here, I am so restless!

I do a lot of volunteering of course, and I have everything I do online including a few projects I am considering. There is pride this weekend and my Art which is on going as always and yet in moments like this I just feel so pent up that I am ready to throw a chair. On my way upstairs I was overcome with a wave of loneliness, where the hell did that come from!? While I was brushing my teeth I had a sudden feeling of foreboding by my often reoccurring fear of death, in the reminder that it is the once certainty in life. My brain is so starved of distractions that it is actually punishing me. My brain is saying "If you don't give me something to do, some different walls to stare at, some escape from this living prison, I will force you to consider all your insecurities and fears." I have even started to think terrible things of people I care about. I'm getting to be paranoid about the two faced nature of some of my friends. I know this exists, it is one of their flaws, hell I would be lieing if I said I haven't acted more friendly to someone than I actually am (and I am a very good actor) but for some reason I am making demons where I shouldn't.

I never thought I would say this but I may just be a career type. Without University to guide and schedule my time I feel lost and restless. I feel trapped by circumstance and caged by an empty routine. At least when I went to the gym (of which my membership expired last week) I was working towards a clear goal. Now its as if my time at home is completely thankless.

Then I think, how am I going to go on after Uni?

My decision

I'm not sure whether I blogged about this, and I'm not entirely certain who I have spoken to about it so I'll go through the story before telling you about the decision I have come to. I would like (if I may,) to take you on a strange journey...   back a few years. I had decided half way through my psychology access to follow my bliss, which was pointing me in the direction of the stage.

The way that funding works at the moment in this country for those seeking higher education is thus; If you get accepted onto a course as an undergraduate (a person who has not already gained a degree) student finance will offer you a student loan for your tuition fees, this can be done for four years (remember that, its important.) When I started my HND at Salford Uni, it was under the pretense of a 'taster year', a year in which I can compare Media & Performance with Psychology in terns of how it keeps my interest, how it challenges me, what job prospects I can expect at the end of it and so on. After the first year I was to make a decision to either continue onto the second year, and then onto a degree which would take four years in total, or start a Psychology degree which, again would be four years.

During my first year at Uni I have to say that I was disappointed with the way the course was administered, and the do nothing attitude of the other students. It degrades my image by being associated with people who take the course as a bird course. Having said that, the lessons were interesting, I was challenged, and I find myself learning a lot and making a load of neat connections in the world of Theatre, Radio, TV etc, and am trying to, or rather was trying to weigh the subject with the school in my decision. The decision, if you haven't already guessed, was to carry on doing Performance, or go back to Psychology.

Also, after working on a number of project over the summer including B.yoU's pride entry and the new OMG website I have realised that working as an artist and graphic designer isn't as time consuming or strenuous as I first though, and it just needs a little fore planning and wisdom (wisdom I now see that I lacked a couple of years ago.) So an Art degree was looking increasingly tempting as well, which just added to the confusion.

So now for my decision...

After talking to a number of people on the issue, I have decided to gain my degree in performance. The degree is like a badge, no matter what the subject it is still something which you carry with you for life. It is a stepping stone and a backup plan all rolled into one and actually, I do like the subject. Its creative, and its what I need, its what I want. Art, as I have already demonstrated, is something you do not need a degree in to do professionally (or in my case, unprofessionally which is the way I work.) Actually, realistically, the only thing you need is passion, and to have the power to instill your passion into other. My performance helps me do this, it builds on what I believe (after being told countless times) is natural presence. That essence of a person which shouts 'I am someone you would do well to listen to' without you having to do anything. Its all in tone, posture, manner, and its actually a blessing to have.

No more crossroads for me. My decision is made and I am comfortable it is the right one. Now all I will need to do is knuckle down, as I plan to finish Uni with a first.

So, get this, right....

I weigh just over twelve stone!

I know, its weird. Its like I've been here all summer surrounded by numerous foods, not to mention having money in the bank to buy numerous foods and here I am, just over twelve stone. I mentioned before that I joined a gym, well I have been hitting it a little harder than I originally planned, though to be fair I took a street dance class last Wednesday which was amazing but also left me amazingly achy, then the day after I went to the gym again. Needless to say, I haven't been all weekend I'm gonna go today.

I find it really focusing, and energising to do a good workout. Not to mention I get the chance to do some swimming which I love, and I have been doing my intensive stretches so my heal stretches are quite impressive now.

I'm not a gym bunny though. Or at least I hope I'm not...  I must admit to not being entirely sure what classifies as a gym bunny these days. there are some days when I will go to the gym everyday, then others when its once every two or three days. I'm going to get rid of some of my loose skin which I think might cause me hastle if I don't sort out. I do want to look a little more toned as well, is that a gym bunny thing? Some people there are embarassingly big. The sort of people you think must consider themselves gods gift, when actually people are staring at them thinking 'What the fuck?" instead of admiration or jealousy.

Gaining upper body strength will have its advantages in my dancing and cheer leading as well. In fact the more I think about it, the more my university lifestyle compliments my healthy regime. I think its just strange bringing that lifestyle back home, which is why I am so shocked that I managed to keep my weight down over the summer. Maybe it wasn't the move to university which spurred my weight loss, maybe greater of myself has changed.

I certainly feel different.