Some have mentioned to me that my blog is very interesting. while my rebuker may be that the blog's feature is me and therefore inherently uninteresting, I can recognise a compliment when I see one and am generous in my acceptance of it.
Someone might then go on to suggest that my blog is so interesting that I should consider advertising it to gain a larger reader-base. I have been known on occasion to pop the odd post onto facebook which might make something more convenient for me for example, instead of telling everyone how my first gig went, I simply post the link to the entry on my facebook. Or perhaps there is an issue I wish to confront and would have those who know me best enlightened to the subject in question (such as my post on cheerleading.)
The latter example probably received the most hits out of all the entries on my blog, in fact, I'll do a quick check on my stats thing... ..yes, it did, 95 views and counting. If I were to put my finger on why, it would be that the subject matter was controversial, that there are many people on my facebook who wouldn't think there would be an issue with cheerleading and so might be overcome with curiosity, it could also be that because the issue is hotly debated in the cheerleading community it might have hit a certain amount of keyword filters for search engines.
All this is pretty much besides the point. Fact is, while I am pleased that people are reading the blog and getting to know a little more about who I am and what I am up to, I have dedicated myself to the idea that the blog is a journal. When I started it a number of years ago it was to replace my paper journals which had been going on since I was sixteen years old. While I may censor the more intimate and personal information from the blog, I have kept almost entirely true to it's original concept and this has in the past been to my detriment. I can recall one occasion when someone I know used the information I'd posted in one entry (the information regarding why I don't drink alcohol, and using a convenient excuse) against me. I was defenceless and I felt genuinely hurt, mainly because every person who reads the blog are privy to my innermost thoughts or unspoken secrets, and there is a level of trust that I assume on people when they read what I have to say.
This honesty has recently proven to be the detriment in my real life relationships as well. I have lost friends due to my inability to keep my mouth shut when I have an issue. I've grown up with the mantra that children keep issues inside and bottle them up, and this causes problems further down the line when adults do it. This honesty and eagerness to settle any issue I might have has led to friction between me and people I care about, but it is still something I believe to be a decent way to settle any dispute or worry and continue to stand by my principles. If there is one thing I have come to hate since starting university, it's two-faced characteristics. Sometimes it's harmless, and there are times when I will indulge if I feel it would make the situation better, but I would never be so dishonest to someone whom I have a problem with. If I do not like you, and have a valid reason not to like you, then I will be civil when I have to but otherwise I will not mince my words. I won't smile and nod, and pretend everything is fine, I am not that kind of person. Don't get me wrong, I can, when it comes to being false I am a very good liar, but there is a difference between having the ability to act like everything is fine, and using it.
I am of course speaking of friendships, or of people I need to work with often. Passers by I am able to smile and nod to as you do, but this is not dishonest, it's just tactical socialising (remember, an argument with an idiot is a pointless argument, sometimes it is smarter to plaster on a false smile)...
I apologise, I rambled for a moment there. The point is, I am honest and open, and being honest and open means that I might say things that could offend others, so instead of publishing every post I make, I choose which to publish on Facebook for a specific reason. Getting hits isn't important to me, I don't care how many people read the blog or what they like in particular, the blog is for me, not my audience. I am a performer, if I want an audience, I get one: simple.
Maybe I am more aware of how vulnerable the blog makes me than I care to mention. Maybe I should eat my words, put my money where my mouth is and publish. Surely my friends, if they truly are my friends, will understand me anyway. Or maybe I am wrong, maybe I'm not as honest as I think I am.
There are people in my life right now who do not appreciate what they have, and how lucky they are. Some I have mentioned this fact, others I haven't. Instead of telling people to look at their life from a few metres away, I should be asking them to do it themselves. So you have found yourself here, at the end of this blog entry after getting here from the very beginning (a very good place to start) after getting there from wherever you found yourself previously. I will ask you this.
Take a look at your life, I promise you things could be much worse. Appreciate what you have, don't be so hard on yourself.
And be honest.
No comments:
Post a Comment