Just recently I was thinking about being alone, and not being alone (as one is naturally drawn to think about, after thinking about being alone.)
I have a few friends (that's not a punchline) that talk to me about feeling alone, about wanting someone to be there, to cuddle up to and to love when the evenings are cold and void of company. They tell me how crippling and despairing the feeling of being alone can be.
But my friends, you are not alone, and neither am I! I used to feel those feelings as well, when I was angry at the world for making my appearance not to every ones liking, for giving me stupid round glasses and big frizzy hair and spots and making me gay and therefore harder for me to find someone. I was feeling alone, and desperately in need of company. Then after a few years, a few guys came and went, but none of them fit, let me try to explain...
It was only when I was about 19 years old that I decided that there is no-one to blame for my appearance than me, that I can't expect to have a good looking bloke if I don't at least match the amount of effort, which I soon realised all people will go through if they want to look good, and attract a mate. So I coloured the hair, and tamed it somewhat, I started to shave the muzzle more often, used my glasses only when reading and computing (which is what I was supposed to be doing) and started to lose some weight (it would take me another few years, but I did it.) After doing all this, a few guys started to notice me, the first memorable one was Joe.
Joe was a sweet guy, but as mature as I thought he was, he was almost totally obsessed with sex! I told him from the beginning that I wasn't all that interested in sex (this isn't really true, I just wasn't interested in sex from the word 'hello') and that it would take time for me to get used to being in a relationship, which he told me he totally understood. Now I don't even refer back to my time with Joe as a relationship, we hugged a few times, kissed (the way you would kiss your Grandma goodbye) but I never really felt for him, and therefor did not want to get close. Then about a year ago there was Ian...
Ian is a cute eligible single Young man, he was 18 when he noticed me and we started back and forthing with text and IM's, you heard me right though, he noticed me! I was so shocked when I heard someone had a crush on me (in hindsight, I should have seen that something was awry because of his use of the word 'crush') and so through friends we got each others numbers, and started to talk. He seemed like such a sweet guy when I talked to him, and although a bit twinkish, I figured he was smart and independent enough for me to look through that, but most of all, with him having two jobs, I figured he was mature, you see by this time Id realised that maturity was what I really wanted in a man, someone I can have fun with of course, but someone I could also hold a conversation with for more than five minutes. Soon, things started to go sour, after talking with him for a while, it was soon clear that he was in the pub with his friend Lorna way too much for me, I mean I don't drink, but I hang out with friends at least three nights a week, so I'm not particulars prudish and in no way a saint when it comes to things like that, but we are talking almost every night he would text me drunk from the Tudor, which I could understand, but it was when he handed his phone to Lorna that things went bad. His friend Lorna would sent texts such as "I want to fuck you now" and others to that effect, and when Id text back or messege him my obvious dissapointment, he would simply say "It wasn't my fault, it was Lorna". Well I make no apologies for anyone who uses my possesions in a way that would hurt other people, but if it was me who offered my phone to someone else to use, then I would be responsible for it. Soon after the textx became more frequent, until I was certain he was sending them himself to annoy me, which made me angry, and I was soon able to put a stop to it (I hate resorting to threats, which made me even angrier.)
That was my last experience with a man, I think what has annoyed me the most is that perhaps under different circumstances I could have fealt something for Ian, and maybe in the future if he matures and ditches Lorna I could feel something for him (although I am not quick to forget those who tresspass against me) but at the time, it meant something to have that in my life, and for it to go wrong the way that it did, well, it jaded my confidence.
So what does one do when ones confidence in the world has his rock bottom? you turn around and realise that what you've been looking for has been available in abundance this whole time. I have friends and family who I have been closer to than anyone I've dated, they are my lifeline, they are my company, and have always been there when I've needed them. So you see, they don't expect me to look a certain way, I change my appearence to something I think looks good for me, not other people, and I daresay I could never feel lonely with such people around.
In closing, people don't believe me when I say I am happily single, because there is a stigma in the word which says that no-one is complete until they have found someone to complete them, to those people I say, that if it takes an external force to complete them, they could use some alone time of their own.
