The whole year through: 2010

Happy new year everyone.

Every year I like to make one post which tries to bring everything together and evaluate the year. This was the year of 2010. I think the biggest thing to mention this year is that I bit the bullet and did something I as meaning to do and looking forward to trying since deciding to enter the field of performance.

Stand up.

After a bit of a shaky start I found that there is nothing that I have experienced (so far) which quite equates to the joy of making someone laugh, and having the opportunity to do that on stage in front of a willing audience is the highlight of my year. I had a wonderful time on the comedy circuit as an Open Spot, and learned things that have pushed me much further as a performer than I would have from Uni alone.

Alas, as much as I love performing stand-up and making people laugh, the downsides of the comedy circuit tar the otherwise wonderful experience. Bitchy comics, horrible promoters, the input/output ratio, the time and energy put behind the scenes. Most open spots will call me lazy and say my heart isn't in it but you know what? Its not. My heart isn't in it, and I will admit that. If my heart WAS in it, then I would already have gigs lined up every week by now. I performed stand-up from January to May and in that time totted up 15 gigs, I watched forums like a hawk, snapped opportunities from promoters and attended as much comedy as I could afford outside of my studies and I think three gigs a month average is a cracking first try considering the demand for spots. You may have noticed that sounds cocky and self confident, well;it is. I learned something important on the circuit which is great advice to give and hard to follow: Confidence is key. Yeah, I'm still shit by professional standards or paid standards and my problem when I was an Open Spot is taking that too harshly. I'm SUPPOSED to be shit, everyone is when they start out. Fact of the matter is, my shit to good gig ratio was leaning very close to good, if I wasn't such a delicate flower/arsehole I would be able to see that my problem isn't what others think of me, its what I allow them to make me feel. Until I learn that I can be shit in front of a crowd and survive to tell the tale, as I have done, I do not belong on the circuit and that includes giving stand-up my all.

Having said that, I plan on returning, and doing bits and bobs here and there. There is nothing better for learning stage craft than stand-up comedy, mark my words!

Well, thats pretty much half the year right there. After May I started my long-haul through summer. I planned on learning how to drive but unfortunately that never came to pass. Even though I had nothing to do, I found myself far too busy to sort out driving lessons. Again, I think its the idea that my heart wasn't truly in it and I therefore didn't put as much effort into it. I can only hope from here on in I take heed that my heart needs to be in more of the things that I need to get done! I have found I am very good at putting things off, and this is something I hope to tackle in the new year.

When Uni started back up, I was inspired! As you may be aware, at the beginning of each semester I have a large project to complete and in September of last year my work group and I began work on "Fear" which you can read all about at your leisure. That project taught me a valuable lesson: I love being busy and hate being bored. Also I learned that busyness in most forms reaps its own rewards whether that be making new comics, reading interesting books, watching television or going out with friends. Busy is good, busy is fun and adventurous, busy makes life go forward.

Speaking of which, my social life has been a boom this year. Friends of mine on facebook can attest to seeing me appear in more places on more profiles with friends on evenings out and at events. I think this is particularly true of those on my course. You don't go through what we go through together without forming an understanding relationship. I am so grateful to know these people. While studying at Bolton University, my very wise friend and excellent lecturer Albert Phipps told me that in university I would make friends that will be with me for the rest of my life, and I truly believe this. Even the idiots make life more interesting, my life has been enriched so much from being in that environment that I am now considering a move to Manchester full time (this is something I will need to do a lot of thinking on though.)

I gained another nephew this year of course, Alex who is just smashing. He is quite quirky and makes strange noises, mostly grunts. Aaron is a clever little shit, picks things up faster than his father and is a wonderfully cheeky chappy, butter wouldn't melt in his mouth. Jayden, well, he is developing into quite a sweet young man, he still isn't using English yet but he is certainly developing his own interesting language at a rate I am struggling to keep up with/

Lets finish on a hot topic of mine the past few years: health. I think my last report online was that I weighed in at 12 stone. I am roughly 12 stone at the moment, but I must say that I am on average over the past few months 11 to 11.5 stone, having gained half a stone since the Christmas holidays started.

I am looking better for it I think, particularly since I've been going to the gym this year and have managed to bulk up my arms and chest, as well as my stomach. The loose skin is and I fear will always be present on my body but its something I am going to learn to live with, I don't particularly want a large amount of muscle but as I am slowly turning into a 'good looking man' I need to consider the possibility that this is a role I may be asked to play. This in turn may lead me to need a 'good looking body' which fashion dictates is not one covered in stretch marks and loose skin. Don't think for one second that is the reason I am toning up, the main reason is that I want more strength to be able to perform very well in physical theatre and dance, I also want to feel better about the way I look. If I get a part as a handsome man who gets his kit off, well, I'll be ready for it. In other news, while we are on the subject of my image, I got my hair cropped to mid length. Reviews are favourable but naturally I want my old hair back as soon as possible which is usually the case.

That it I think. I haven't covered the whole year, but then this is the first time I think in the history of these posts were the review has been almost immediately after the end of the old year. I will soon be posting a reflection on last years resolutions, and beginning this years so stay tuned!

A thought on females.

Recently I have been thinking about friendships, I won't go into detail about what brought it up but I have been home for the festive holidays for a few weeks now and had time to take stock of my friends here and my friends over in Salford. Of all my friendships in the past, my most precious friends are still here in Wigan. This isn't to say that I haven't made some amazing friends in Salford, but you don't build relationships in two years like the ones I have with my friends over my lifetime.

However, I believe there are different catagories of friends, and that they can be catagorised in different ways. For exmaple one way in which I recognise where I am upto on the frienship train is how far I am willing to go with that friend. That doesn't mean anything sexual in this context (I have recently found, that side of things is an entirely different kettle of fish) but in a way that actually extends outside of my comfort zone. For example, I know I am safe with my friends here in Wigan, but sometimes I don't want to be safe, I want adventure. If I am feeling adventurous, I will call on some of the fantastic friends I've made at Salford. There is something to be said about common ground in relationship building. I have had some amazing experiences while at university most of which have involved hard work. You don't go through a month's worth of intesive theatre work with a group of people, without developing a friendship which goes beyond face value (or I like to think so.)

I am allowing myself to get a little side tracked because I like talking about positive things, but in my musings I have come to realise that a trend has has been forming over the past few years which makes me feel uncomfortable.

Straight women treat gay men like toys.

I generalise for emphasis which is perhaps wrong of me, but whatever, its my blog. I understand that there is a link to my blog on my Facebook and am fully aware that there is a (very, very slim) chance of some of my very dear female friends seeing this and assuming the worst, so I feel before I justify what I say I should iterate that I am not meaning to be offensive and I love my friends dearly, but I am speaking from experience and cannot be more honest than this.

I can think of three four distinct situations when I have been dropped for a straight man. These are situations were the girl in question would supplement me for their boyfriend and then near cut off all ties and drop the things that even distant friends would do to spend time with their new partner. Before, they would insist I was the best thing in their life. We would go out or stop in together in the evenings, hang out, sleep over, do lunch, talk (alot) and share, share everything, all our worries and insecurities, we would reassure ourselves and support each other. Make each other laugh, be the best thing since sliced bread! The friendship would develop quickly and seem like an endless summer.

Then, inevitably, the summer would end. They find someone.

Your replacement.

"This happens all the time Sye" I would hear you say, were we having a quaint brew in the kitchen of my university accommodation (try it with a dash of cinnamon, its so festive!) I agree, it does. It does happen all the time to friends everywhere regardless of age or gender or sexuality, but not to me. To me, it happens when I get close to straight women, and only then. I have never experienced any of my male friends ditching all else for their partner. I'm not talking 'going out one night less a month' or 'not meeting me for lunch,' I mean dropped, like a dead pet. In once case, the girl went so far as to fully cut off all ties with me, after I was an incredibly good friend to her (as much as a friend can be, short of giving her a kidney.)

Of course I am far too good natured, kind, and otherwise generally not wanting to hurt the person I care about to mention this. "Oh by the way, you've forgotten all about me so thanks, but have fun in your new long term relationship" isn't the nicest thing to have to deal with, and more importantly it makes any apology following to mean absolutely nill. Talking about it to the person serves no purpose except to remind them what they have lost.It hurts every time, it doesn't matter that it happens all the time because its still painful to invest so much in a friendship, to have it all snatched away simply because the girl doesn't seem capable to split her focus.

Actually, its unfortunate in that sense. I like to think of myself as a good judge of character (even when people are clearly two faced or dishonest, it doesn't take me too long to get their number... practice I guess.) If I do make friends with a girl, I am slightly more arms length if she is a straight female who is single. Well, I always think I would like to be, but I am far too friendly for this to work. Perhaps this is another angle of dishonesty.

So to the girls who have loved and lost me I say this: Be happy, please. Please be happy with your new Sye, the one who can give you sex. Please make it work if things go bad and please don't be upset if things go worse than bad.

Because I won't be there when its over.

Email from accommodation...

________________________________________
From: Accommodation [Accommodation@salford.ac.uk]
Sent: 23 November 2010 14:49
To: [Sye] (UG); [Sye's email address]
Subject: Candles in rooms

DearMr [Sye]

On completing our recent room checking exercise, it was noted that there is a candle present within your room.  Your resident contract sets out your obligations and section 7Y clearly states that candles will not be used.  Because of this Health & Safety implication, your room has not been marked as Acceptable. A further room check will take place and, as long as the candles have been removed, your room will be marked as accepted.

Apart from the candle being present, your room was absolutely fine.

I hope you can support our concerns with students burning candles within their room and recognise the potentially serious health and safety implications.

Thank you

Site Services Assistants




________________________________________
________________________________________




Dear Site Services Assistant(s)

I apologise for my discretion in keeping a censer in my halls. I don't know what I was thinking, it must have been a moment of sheer madness, particularly given the dangerous nature of a covered tea light. I will of course remove the candle right away.

However, the censer's purpose is to mask the stale damp smell, I assume this is from the previous occupant as I do not think the walls are thick enough to conceal any dead bodies or rotten vegetables (I am not an engineer so feel free to correct me on this, again I apologise.) I understand completely that a candle in my halls is a high risk to all concerned, but the smell is bothersome. Almost to the point which I am willing to submerge my head almost entirely in water during my time in my room. I was considering adding some of my scented oil to the water, but this would probably make my hair greasy.

Is there a secret method unbeknownst to me to rid my halls of the smell of that 'foot-and-mouthy' musk? The censer does the trick without being overpowering and I only ever use it when I am both in my halls and awake, but as this is against the rules (again, I apologise) I will need to think of something else. Any suggestions are more than welcome, Cheers!

Kind regards,
- Sye Watts.

Dear man-across-the-road-from-me

Please do not leave your blind up when you are returning to your room from the shower. If you insist on carrying on with this behaviour, then please refrain from removing your towel before securing some sort of visual block aid between your genitals and my eyes.

I appreciate that this was simple an instance of coincidence. I was glancing down at your block of flats, you were de-robing in the vulnerable position of having returned from the wash room, presumably squeaky clean (although I didn't have my glasses on so, who knows.) It has not happened since, but I am somewhat nervous to look out of the window now as 'peeping tom' is not one of my many alias' and I intend to keep it that way.

It isn't that I do not find you attractive. Of course you are a little larger than the demographic would demand, but I find that oddly endearing in a person. Also you have a cute face. However, while I may sound hypocritical to those who know me, I am not one for glasses. A body without a name or a face or a laugh or a personality to it is nice, but it would have to be very nice indeed to justify a vigil at my window to catch a glimpse of you giving it all you've got, 'upfront.' If we cross eyes in the street at some point, I will not embarrass you by mentioning the incident. I am sure it sticks in your mind as much as it does mine. Feel free to introduce yourself at any point, it would be nice to put a voice and a name to the body, all of it. I feel our brief interlude shall simply have to remain a fleeting glance between the two halls containing us over the void of grass and earth between.

Good luck in your endeavours, and I hope to 'see' you under better circumstances sometime.

Regards
- Sye

PS: Tell the guy that lives two doors from you to the right, he is allowed to take his top off and dance around a little. As long as his blind is up, and I have my glasses on.

Is it time to change?

Life seems to be running much faster these days.

In the past month I have finished my theatre project (which, to be honest with you, I really can't be bothered reviewing. It was a wonderful experience and it went very well, it was a success, and I am happy to have done it.) Been out around Manchester of an evening, and been to a house party. To the average person my age this may seem normal, or at least as normal as student life should get, but I think you reading this will know that for me, this is out of character.

I think that is a very important word in this context, character. I have had a wonderful time with my course mates, and consider them good friends, but the things I have been doing seem very unlike me. I have been enjoying myself though, which can only be a good thing, so is it that it in fact IS like me to do these things but have never had the chance? Sure I would go out with friends around Wigan, we would go to the pub, then a club afterwards, and as I don't drink I'd leave somewhere around the 12pm mark, which is usually the point in which things start to get boring for me.

Is not drinking inhibiting me? I get mixed reactions from people whom hear me say 'I don't drink' the first of which is usually 'Why?' I don't know why I don't drink! Sometimes its easier to say 'Oh, I have a stomach problem' (which I do, called Helicobacter Pylori which basically causes severe heartburn at the drop of a hat, but is controlled by medication) because the sympathy vote is a much nicer reaction than that of disgust or condescension.

What alcohol does is very simple. In your head are a number of controllers, lets take for example Freud's id, ego and super ego stuff. The ID is everything you want to do, its your pleasure centre, it only wants the good stuff and none of the bad stuff and is essentially your inner caveman (if I can use such a vulgar term.) Ego is the sly devil who appeases the ID in way which satifies it, but also looks after you in the context of reality, so your Ego will seek pleasure for ID while making sure you stay out of trouble in the long run. Superego is the rules you know to be true, such as morality and law and all that gaff, so it informs the Ego and suppresses the more destructive parts of the ID, call it your conscience (again, vulgar term, don't quote me but you get the idea.) When your brain consumes alcohol, it turns off Superego and fucks Ego up, leaving you with a sort of semi-functioning understanding of the rules of reality, and an overwhelming desire for pleasure. It turns off the voice in your head which says 'This is why you shouldn't do this' and essentially flips your personality from everything you wouldn't do for whatever reason (and they would be down to your character) to doing whatever because you have no inhibitions.

You can probably imagine why I might be apprehensive about alcohol. Not only do I have a stupidly strong desire to please others, and feel painful guilt when I think I have let someone down, but there are also a lot of things I would never say or do, but which I would sure as hell like to. In this sense I am generally a dishonest person, oh sure I wouldn't lie in the sense of misleading people, but a lie of omission is still a lie. There are quite a few people I am attracted to on my course which is fine, because I am human, but being the person that I am I know I would l never do anything that might ruin a friendship, I value that much much more. Lets not forget that I am really weird when it comes to things like being touched, which I am trying my fucking hardest to get over, because it makes me feel so shit when I can't get involved with horseplay and such, all because of my fucked up head.

At the party last night, I was there from about 10pm till 2am, and I genuinely had a good time. I am still honest with my feelings, and so when people ask 'Are you having fun' I will answer honestly, and when I say 'Not really' I know its time to shake my ass home (rather than stay and bring everyone else down.) I know I am not very good meeting too many new people at once, or when I am in a situation with friends and there is a new person, I am quite shy really, and its taken me a while to put my finger on that. So the party carried on and everyone was having a good time, getting drunk, there was some weed smoking I think, and I was enjoying myself until something clicked in my head.

I think it was when I was sat down, in the room with the music, and watching some of the people there dancing. Some I knew well, some I didn't know as well but I still considered friends. I remember thinking 'I wish I had friends like these' and this internal dialogue started to play out...

'But these are my friends'

'I want to play too'

'Then why don't I'

...and that was it. I didn't have an answer. Why don't I join in? I'm sure I am invited to, as much as any of the others. What is wrong with me? I don't think I am above it, in fact if clowning has taught me anything its that being beneath it is much more fun. Is it because I am sober? I don't think so, but then I wouldn't know because I'm not drunk. Why can't I stop fucking THINKING about this shit and just do it?

Is it my character?

My character. I have constructed it, for better or worse. Sye is a conscious character, but a character none the less. We all wear masks, every one of us. We hide behind them, we are naked without them, in fact I am of the opinion that I have only ever been without some sort of mask when I was younger. When I was Simon.

This may sound Odd, but there was a change in me when I came out. I left high school as most people did, at 16. As soon as I left, I came out gay. From then on I had a confidence I could never muster in school due to bullying, and as a symbol of that transition to the new, funny, outgoing confident guy I had become, I took on the nickname, the mantra of Sye. The name isn't important mind, it was the definitive split between what I was and what I was going to be (so I thought.) Many people have the same transition, and its not just a gay thing, people have this transition in their first relationship, after losing their virginity, after their first night wasted at a party, they shrug off what it was that they were for a new, more socially acceptable and presumably confident lifestyle.

Maybe I haven't shrugged everything off. Maybe this social awkwardness and weariness of intimacy is that bullied little boy finding himself in deep water and unable to swim.

Its times like this when I thank god for the friends that I have.

I sometimes find myself lying to fit in. just little white lies which are nothing special. I've never done drugs, although I have tried smoking and, although an interesting sensation, I didn't get any benefit from it. I have never been in a romantic relationship, although I imagine there are many people with boyfriends or girlfriends who couldn't call their relationship romantic. Probably one of the reasons I feel so out of place and awkward is because all of these things happen around me, and I feel I need to justifying myself to be accepted (its easy for me to say that this isn't the case, but if I am honest, I am as susceptible to peer pressure as anyone else, and this is exactly what it is.)

I always had the belief that I love my friends far more than they love me, simply because I need them more. I was saying to someone recently, one trait within my family is that we all crave to be needed. We want people to be able to rely on us and in doing so, we justify our friendships.

Hmm, I think I have proven that I can talk on and on about this topic. I think its because I am looking for answers as much as informing you, the reader, of what it is I have already found. I will say this though; If you are my friend, and I have quite a few at the point, know that I love you. I love you, and you have me at your disposal because of that love, should you ever need me I will do my honest best to make your life easier, and make you smile. You are the best person at being who you are, and for that reason you are surrounded by those who love you, and this includes me.

You do not need to love me, you are not responsible for my happiness and I do not want you to worry about me.

Just be there. Be there and be you, that is all I ask.

† After proof reading this, I can see it has a certain 'Oh my life is shit, why am I such a dick head' tone to it. I am not looking for attention or sympathy here, please don't feel obligated to give me either. its the reason I will leave a room if I think I'm being a social hermit. My problems are my problems as with others and theirs. I write them down because it helps me understand myself sometimes.

I write them online because its cheaper than buying a diary, and its essentially an easy attempt at being more open about myself.