New blog en-route

I've been hard at work creating a new design for the blog. I plan on making the jump to wordpress soon, and have spent the past two weeks figuring out how the themes work, I'm pretty proud with what I've managed to come up with...

It still needs a little bit of tweaking but it's gonna be sweet! Don't worry, nothing should change with the blog when I make the jump, except it will be more functional, accessible and easier to update (I hope.) Look forward to www.syeonline.co.uk in the not-too-distant future!

You know what I miss?

I miss making comics!

I loved making them, it was a combination of my drawing, graphic design and comedy writing which occupied the time when I would normally be bored anyway. I haven't made a comic in well over a year, probably two by now. My Graphics Tablet got damaged in transit while I moved to university last year which was a good excuse (besides 'I'm just too busy') to let these things fall by the way side.

Well, perhaps I am being a little cynical of myself. I have also had the chance to try other wonderful things! I am a cheerleading coach now for the Salford Sirens, getting up to level two gymnastics, I gave stand-up a go, I perform improvisational comedy and not to mention a wonderful circle of friends.

Days like this when I have about three or four hours to kill before my class, and no-one around to hang out with, is when I would work on a comic. I think I will be generous to myself at my next loan instalment and get a new graphics tablet (to go with my lovely new PC.)

Then you'll see some comics.

On Friendship.

I've been thinking an awful lot about friendship lately. I have recently been through a "bad patch" in regards to my social life because of things that have been going on amongst my year group at University.

I will not go into the details here as this is not the place. I would love to, don't get me wrong, but I have purposefully made this blog my diary, and as it is online I understand that the public are free to view it. Frankly, there are some people whom I do not want to speak openly to...

Sorry, just thinking about all thats gone on makes me bitter about the subject; one of the reasons I will avoid talking about it. Needless to say, it got to me, the reason it got to me is because of my idea of friendship.

To me, friendship is one of the most valuable things in the world. I rely so much on my friends as I am sure most people do (though equally sure others do not do so as much as I.) I will openly admit to any of my friends: I need you more than you need me. I do not have, nor have never had someone in my life whom I have been involved with intimately. This is by design and intention of course, I made the decision to wait for love and so far, love has not arrived. The wait, however, is a heavy toll to bear. I feel alone and isolated a lot, particularly when I am at University as I am not only without someone I love intimately but also without the people I love platonicly: my family. All of this adds up I suppose, and so when I am away from home I am constantly relying on my friends for companionship. Hardly even companionship sometimes, just human contact. I am somewhat socially awkward, this has come about in recent years and I have no idea where it comes from (or at least HAD no idea, until recently) so not only is it difficult being away and without people I love, it is also difficult to make new friends to fill the empty spots.

I understand that this is a strain on my friends, but my friends are my friends because they are the ones willing to take that strain. My friends are there for me when I need them, they care about my wellbeing and will do the best by me. I trust my friends, and can only hope that that trust is repaid in kind.

However, I am also crazy as fuck.

Not the sort of "Oh damn boy, you so crazy!" but the actual crazy. Scary, paranoid, anxious, embarrassing crazy the likes of which you do not see in non-crazy folk. Again, most of this is something which has developed or manifest with strength in recent years, it is there and I am afraid its part of the Sye package.

I might get it into my head that your attracted to me, and will therefor avoid contact with you as to not hurt your feeling of rejection (this could be due to a fleeting glance made at some point.) It might enter my brain that your talking about me behind my back, conspiring against me or undermining me (because you know, I haven't seen you in a week, a totally natural assumption.) It could be that something bad happened to me, and your the first person I was able to talk to about it and therefore think I am the wreck of the world. It could be that your in town with me, and I get the most horribly paranoid feeling that everyone is staring at me, and I need to enter this shop RIGHT NOW, then I'll be fine. It might be that you didn't reply to my last three texts, and have ceased all contact with you as punishment (because thats perfectly normal, right?)

This is the Bat-shit level of crazy I can get up to. I am not perfect, but then, neither are you damnit! Situations can bring about my ugly heads which I myself despise. It's something I am constantly vigilant against and conscious of, but ultimately I just can't help it. I'm of a paranoid, nervous, temperamental disposition.

My friends, they understand that.

They understand me.

They understand why sometimes I am quiet, and sometimes I don't shut up. That I will talk inanely about some interesting piece of trivia without thinking that I am patronising them. That they trust that 'ish' next to a time of meeting means 'give or take five minutes.' That sometimes I have trouble speaking my emotions and getting my ideas out (I get lost in words, its what happens when you know too many without knowing their correct order.) They understand why sometimes I correct my own grammar, and cannot move on until I understand which is the correct way to say what, but only sometimes! My friends, true friends, do not hold these things against me.

In turn, I do the same. I make myself available to them. Alright, so maybe I am not good company on a night 'clubbing' and maybe you can't take me to a football match. But if you need someone to talk to, an understanding ear or an unbiased view point. A lateral thinker, a fresh pair of eyes or a comfortable shoulder, that is what I am here for. That is friendship, and those whom I consider friends can call upon that any time they like.

I have the ability to make anyone feel good about themselves. I can show you any fucking silver lining, and make sure I leave you a brighter person than I found you. I will give you your space when you need space. I will surround you with companionship and make you laugh to boot. That is my offer, my gift, the commodity of friendship I have to trade with you.

I never burn my bridges.

I'll be posting soon on my Red Nose Day 2011 adventures. I just needed to get this matter off my chest first. I have put it to bed now, I can move on.

Good night.

The whole year through: 2010

Happy new year everyone.

Every year I like to make one post which tries to bring everything together and evaluate the year. This was the year of 2010. I think the biggest thing to mention this year is that I bit the bullet and did something I as meaning to do and looking forward to trying since deciding to enter the field of performance.

Stand up.

After a bit of a shaky start I found that there is nothing that I have experienced (so far) which quite equates to the joy of making someone laugh, and having the opportunity to do that on stage in front of a willing audience is the highlight of my year. I had a wonderful time on the comedy circuit as an Open Spot, and learned things that have pushed me much further as a performer than I would have from Uni alone.

Alas, as much as I love performing stand-up and making people laugh, the downsides of the comedy circuit tar the otherwise wonderful experience. Bitchy comics, horrible promoters, the input/output ratio, the time and energy put behind the scenes. Most open spots will call me lazy and say my heart isn't in it but you know what? Its not. My heart isn't in it, and I will admit that. If my heart WAS in it, then I would already have gigs lined up every week by now. I performed stand-up from January to May and in that time totted up 15 gigs, I watched forums like a hawk, snapped opportunities from promoters and attended as much comedy as I could afford outside of my studies and I think three gigs a month average is a cracking first try considering the demand for spots. You may have noticed that sounds cocky and self confident, well;it is. I learned something important on the circuit which is great advice to give and hard to follow: Confidence is key. Yeah, I'm still shit by professional standards or paid standards and my problem when I was an Open Spot is taking that too harshly. I'm SUPPOSED to be shit, everyone is when they start out. Fact of the matter is, my shit to good gig ratio was leaning very close to good, if I wasn't such a delicate flower/arsehole I would be able to see that my problem isn't what others think of me, its what I allow them to make me feel. Until I learn that I can be shit in front of a crowd and survive to tell the tale, as I have done, I do not belong on the circuit and that includes giving stand-up my all.

Having said that, I plan on returning, and doing bits and bobs here and there. There is nothing better for learning stage craft than stand-up comedy, mark my words!

Well, thats pretty much half the year right there. After May I started my long-haul through summer. I planned on learning how to drive but unfortunately that never came to pass. Even though I had nothing to do, I found myself far too busy to sort out driving lessons. Again, I think its the idea that my heart wasn't truly in it and I therefore didn't put as much effort into it. I can only hope from here on in I take heed that my heart needs to be in more of the things that I need to get done! I have found I am very good at putting things off, and this is something I hope to tackle in the new year.

When Uni started back up, I was inspired! As you may be aware, at the beginning of each semester I have a large project to complete and in September of last year my work group and I began work on "Fear" which you can read all about at your leisure. That project taught me a valuable lesson: I love being busy and hate being bored. Also I learned that busyness in most forms reaps its own rewards whether that be making new comics, reading interesting books, watching television or going out with friends. Busy is good, busy is fun and adventurous, busy makes life go forward.

Speaking of which, my social life has been a boom this year. Friends of mine on facebook can attest to seeing me appear in more places on more profiles with friends on evenings out and at events. I think this is particularly true of those on my course. You don't go through what we go through together without forming an understanding relationship. I am so grateful to know these people. While studying at Bolton University, my very wise friend and excellent lecturer Albert Phipps told me that in university I would make friends that will be with me for the rest of my life, and I truly believe this. Even the idiots make life more interesting, my life has been enriched so much from being in that environment that I am now considering a move to Manchester full time (this is something I will need to do a lot of thinking on though.)

I gained another nephew this year of course, Alex who is just smashing. He is quite quirky and makes strange noises, mostly grunts. Aaron is a clever little shit, picks things up faster than his father and is a wonderfully cheeky chappy, butter wouldn't melt in his mouth. Jayden, well, he is developing into quite a sweet young man, he still isn't using English yet but he is certainly developing his own interesting language at a rate I am struggling to keep up with/

Lets finish on a hot topic of mine the past few years: health. I think my last report online was that I weighed in at 12 stone. I am roughly 12 stone at the moment, but I must say that I am on average over the past few months 11 to 11.5 stone, having gained half a stone since the Christmas holidays started.

I am looking better for it I think, particularly since I've been going to the gym this year and have managed to bulk up my arms and chest, as well as my stomach. The loose skin is and I fear will always be present on my body but its something I am going to learn to live with, I don't particularly want a large amount of muscle but as I am slowly turning into a 'good looking man' I need to consider the possibility that this is a role I may be asked to play. This in turn may lead me to need a 'good looking body' which fashion dictates is not one covered in stretch marks and loose skin. Don't think for one second that is the reason I am toning up, the main reason is that I want more strength to be able to perform very well in physical theatre and dance, I also want to feel better about the way I look. If I get a part as a handsome man who gets his kit off, well, I'll be ready for it. In other news, while we are on the subject of my image, I got my hair cropped to mid length. Reviews are favourable but naturally I want my old hair back as soon as possible which is usually the case.

That it I think. I haven't covered the whole year, but then this is the first time I think in the history of these posts were the review has been almost immediately after the end of the old year. I will soon be posting a reflection on last years resolutions, and beginning this years so stay tuned!

A thought on females.

Recently I have been thinking about friendships, I won't go into detail about what brought it up but I have been home for the festive holidays for a few weeks now and had time to take stock of my friends here and my friends over in Salford. Of all my friendships in the past, my most precious friends are still here in Wigan. This isn't to say that I haven't made some amazing friends in Salford, but you don't build relationships in two years like the ones I have with my friends over my lifetime.

However, I believe there are different catagories of friends, and that they can be catagorised in different ways. For exmaple one way in which I recognise where I am upto on the frienship train is how far I am willing to go with that friend. That doesn't mean anything sexual in this context (I have recently found, that side of things is an entirely different kettle of fish) but in a way that actually extends outside of my comfort zone. For example, I know I am safe with my friends here in Wigan, but sometimes I don't want to be safe, I want adventure. If I am feeling adventurous, I will call on some of the fantastic friends I've made at Salford. There is something to be said about common ground in relationship building. I have had some amazing experiences while at university most of which have involved hard work. You don't go through a month's worth of intesive theatre work with a group of people, without developing a friendship which goes beyond face value (or I like to think so.)

I am allowing myself to get a little side tracked because I like talking about positive things, but in my musings I have come to realise that a trend has has been forming over the past few years which makes me feel uncomfortable.

Straight women treat gay men like toys.

I generalise for emphasis which is perhaps wrong of me, but whatever, its my blog. I understand that there is a link to my blog on my Facebook and am fully aware that there is a (very, very slim) chance of some of my very dear female friends seeing this and assuming the worst, so I feel before I justify what I say I should iterate that I am not meaning to be offensive and I love my friends dearly, but I am speaking from experience and cannot be more honest than this.

I can think of three four distinct situations when I have been dropped for a straight man. These are situations were the girl in question would supplement me for their boyfriend and then near cut off all ties and drop the things that even distant friends would do to spend time with their new partner. Before, they would insist I was the best thing in their life. We would go out or stop in together in the evenings, hang out, sleep over, do lunch, talk (alot) and share, share everything, all our worries and insecurities, we would reassure ourselves and support each other. Make each other laugh, be the best thing since sliced bread! The friendship would develop quickly and seem like an endless summer.

Then, inevitably, the summer would end. They find someone.

Your replacement.

"This happens all the time Sye" I would hear you say, were we having a quaint brew in the kitchen of my university accommodation (try it with a dash of cinnamon, its so festive!) I agree, it does. It does happen all the time to friends everywhere regardless of age or gender or sexuality, but not to me. To me, it happens when I get close to straight women, and only then. I have never experienced any of my male friends ditching all else for their partner. I'm not talking 'going out one night less a month' or 'not meeting me for lunch,' I mean dropped, like a dead pet. In once case, the girl went so far as to fully cut off all ties with me, after I was an incredibly good friend to her (as much as a friend can be, short of giving her a kidney.)

Of course I am far too good natured, kind, and otherwise generally not wanting to hurt the person I care about to mention this. "Oh by the way, you've forgotten all about me so thanks, but have fun in your new long term relationship" isn't the nicest thing to have to deal with, and more importantly it makes any apology following to mean absolutely nill. Talking about it to the person serves no purpose except to remind them what they have lost.It hurts every time, it doesn't matter that it happens all the time because its still painful to invest so much in a friendship, to have it all snatched away simply because the girl doesn't seem capable to split her focus.

Actually, its unfortunate in that sense. I like to think of myself as a good judge of character (even when people are clearly two faced or dishonest, it doesn't take me too long to get their number... practice I guess.) If I do make friends with a girl, I am slightly more arms length if she is a straight female who is single. Well, I always think I would like to be, but I am far too friendly for this to work. Perhaps this is another angle of dishonesty.

So to the girls who have loved and lost me I say this: Be happy, please. Please be happy with your new Sye, the one who can give you sex. Please make it work if things go bad and please don't be upset if things go worse than bad.

Because I won't be there when its over.